The hand of hope

So, the night of our first date, I got my long-awaited hug from Prince Charming.

But that wasn’t the part that melted me the most.

And actually, neither was our first kiss.

What melted me… was the first time I got to hold his hand.

To be able to just touch him, and be linked together with him… connected hand to hand with fingers intertwined.

But beyond that… it was something that I’d found myself previously being confused at feelings of longing to do so.

I can clearly remember one particular time.. at work, when for some reason he had his hand on the top of the wall dividing our cubicals that day…. and just wanting to reach out and squeeze it… but knowing it wasn’t an appropriate thing at the time.

And then on another occasion… right before he left the job.. we were standing around in a team meeting… standing next to each other… and the thought crossed my mind again. Again, it would have been totally inappropriate in the moment.

But on that night, at least, not only was it appropriate, it was openly offered to me.

I guess in a way, it was sort of the first act of the dating relationship…. the first thing that marked that this would be more than friends… the first physical indication that we had chosen each other to be partners.. sort of symbolic like the kids in school told to partner up and they run and grab their buddy’s hand to show they are a team.

Prince Charming has always been awesome on holding my hand… when walking, when sitting… when driving somewhere. He will reach over for it… sometimes even kissing it…

And it still charms me each time he does so… that he has chosen me as his teammate. Maybe it was just for the moment… but for that moment, I was his choice.

On one of the early dates, he’d actually taken a picture of our hands together, and posted it to his facebook feed.

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I don’t like this picture. Both of our hands look ridiculously fat and stubby from the angling… the winter dry skin mixed with the flash makes them look like lizards… and my fingernail is short but still looks totally dirty.

But I love this picture for the fact that it captured something I’d have never thought to try to capture.

I love it because it captured the connection.

Tonight may be awful… or tonight may repair some damage.

But if he takes my hand again, that will be when I’ll know there is hope. Maybe only a shred… but a shred is all I need right now.

I don’t need anything verbally… I don’t need things fixed enough to get a kiss…

I just need him to reach for my hand again.

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