So, after the lunch where he ending things again, I was in agony for a while.
But it changed over by mid-afternoon to anger.
I was furious.
I kept trying not to call him… delaying myself that I’d do it at 8… at 830… at 9… at 930…
10 was the one where I failed.
During the call, I went back and forth from mad to just completely unable to speak.
Afterwards… there was still anger… then the agony flared up again at the same time…
Then there came this feeling… that is really hard to explain.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt it before in my life.
It was just sort of an emotional exhaustion. A weariness.
It turned into this feeling like I just can’t fight anymore… but this time, not out of anguish…. but it was more of a crumbling, surrendering feeling…
And then it just faded to numb.
No agony… no anger… just an uneasy, sort of eerie calm.
A sort of welcome relief… but still very odd.
A bit later I figured out that the good times no longer held the positive emotions that they usually did either. Focusing back and dwelling on memories of him holding me no longer brought the soothing to help me fall asleep.
The physical effects remain though.
There’s still just this dull ache in my chest…. this pit in my stomach that keeps me from eating and makes me feel like i’m going to be sick when i do…. i’m still waking up about every hour or so all night long… and still this feeling of just being weighed down and like everything is moving through water or something making it take so much more effort.
But, it’s better than the agony.
So much better than the agony.