The issues

These are the biggest issues I’m still having, based on what he has told me on reasons…

#4. If the reason is more that you feel like you have to do this phase of your life alone, why in the world are you dating? Why would you be looking to get another person to attach to you, if you can’t cope with having someone love you right now? That doesn’t make any sense. If my being involved in your life isn’t something that lets you feel like you could work on things, then if you do find someone who you like, why wouldn’t she create the exact same problem? Why would you look to intentionally be trying to find someone when you feel like you can’t have anyone close right now? That’s just intentionally hurting them.

#3. all of the long term comments on things. i asked him this point blank during the meeting. he said he didnt feel pushed. he still gave no reason why other than “i was in a lot of pain” and just dodged the question. if the feelings had faded, why make me think they were going the opposite direction? what in the world makes that make sense? i was completely fine with things being on a lower level… why talk to me about living together someday and retirement and wills and life insurance and such and get me thinking he was moving that direction, preparing myself that direction, and feeling like it was safe and stable if the feelings had actually changed? some of these
conversations were just two weeks before he ended things!

#2. i dont feel like he even gave things a fair chance before just giving up on me. absolutely no attempt made to give me any chance to see if anything could be helped instead of writing it off as hopeless. that seriously makes me feel like he never even cared, and it was just worthless to him other than as a passtime. it makes me feel like it had no importance to him at all. i know that he cares…. but this is what makes me feel like he could care less about me…. that he didnt give me any chance at all before just throwing it away. maybe it still would end up the same way, but at least give me a shot at making effort instead of just writing me off like disposable the first time things arent all horse-drawn carriages. i hadnt the foggiest idea that there even was any issue that was big enough to be a threat, let alone to be seeing if a change could be made to resolve it. people dont write off people that they care about that easily. at least give it a chance to be improved before making the call that it cant be.

#1. i lost my friend. thats really what i cant get over…. and what i cant let go of. its not the hopes of future or the relationship…not the dating or the affection… its that i lost what i had with him before we were ever dating. i know he wants space, but that what kills me. i dont get to talk to him, he doesnt even hit likes on my posts anymore let alone comment and completely ignores mine, i dont get to laugh with him and be silly, i dont have him to make me smile even when we are both having crappy days even if its just a silly chuck norris joke. i couldn’t get over that well when i lost it when he quit starwood, but at least then he was regularly emailing me and responding to my messages…. this time he is gone completely.. and totally abruptly… and at a point where he’d become my favorite person on the planet to talk to and just hang out with. how in the hell am i supposed to just get over that loss when it makes so little sense to me?

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