Lost-ish

I feel sort of lost in left field right now.

My heart is still mostly numb… just giving me occasional waves of hints of emotion when things get strong enough.

And my head is confused. It’s been tossed this way and that way…. trying to make sense of things under this lens, then suddenly it’s trying to make sense under a different one… then suddenly a new one.

I just don’t know what to think anymore.

I was very glad for the numb yesterday while talking to him… because some of the things would have killed me otherwise. But it doesn’t tell me what I need to know right now.

I do believe him, based on the rawness of the conversation, that this is actually what the problem is…. that he’s not just trying to get attention…. that he’s not just trying to get pity..

But I don’t know what to do with that. Logically, I’m just confused at this point.

I don’t know whether to see the fact that he’s letting me into his head but still pushing me away from his heart as manipulating me with having some control and power, as some have suggested, or just the way that things are with him right now. That’s a call I would usually rely more on my heart to make.

So I’m just sort of here.

It’s a weird place.. but sort of calm…. so better than the storms of the past 6 weeks.

But still just… off.

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