Didn’t feel much like writing last week, but wanted to at least have something in here that i’d written (a message in this case) in the different spells… knowing i may want the reminder in the future…
Anger wave example:
wave is back. seriously back.
so ive come to discover that because i dont usually deal with anger at any level at all…. let alone on this level… i very much suck at dealing with it.
this morning ive been sitting here in spells of literally quivering.. just wanting to lash out at him and scream at him so badly….
writing instead is making it worse…. and im supposed to be trying to work.
im used to calming fears and anxieties… i know the same sorts of tactics are supposed to work with anger…. but they are so not.
why does he have to be such a cruel jerk to me when i know he isnt one, just because he’s hurting? why does he treat me like i’m chopped liver and never meant a thing to him when i know he does care? what does he think he can do to me thats worse than this? what did i ever do to him that was so wrong that he thinks getting his hopes shot down and laughed at in a bar is better than even allowing me as a friend, with no better excuse than physical feelings cooling which could just as easily be explained by other ways? how does he honestly manage to convince himself that he’s alone in this while at the same time telling someone who would give the world to be with him that she’s just not good enough to even be his friend through this?
he’s hurting. he’s acting from that. he’s got nothing to give right now. he’s got a lot of issues and healing to do.
but why does he feel like he has to be such a cruel asshole to me in the process? and why in the world can’t i convince myself that his actions are reflective of who he really is and just purge him out of my feelings as another bad and painful mistake?
i don’t think i’ve ever been in a place in my life that i would label as “seething” before.