Didn’t feel much like writing last week, but wanted to at least have something in here that i’d written (a message in this case) in the different spells… knowing i may want the reminder in the future…
Frustration wave example:
i just dont know anymore.
im tired of trying to figure out how to live with this.
i’m tired of feeling like my heart had absolutely no value at all in this, and that my only option is to self inflict beating it into submission all day every day as if its completely worthless…. for the sake of doing whats best for someone that i’d do anything for… and feeling like i’ve just passed the limits of my capability of doing that.
i’m tired of the fact that i’m trying my very best to do so not even mattering in the slightest. he made it perfectly clear in his response that the fact i’ve tried so hard doesn’t mean the slightest thing to him unless i can do it completely perfectly and never once cave in… and honestly, i dont even think he’d have been happy enough with that either.
he may not hate me… he may not be trying to hurt me… but the more and more, i have a hard time believing he cares in the least bit about me, about the fact that i care about him, about the fact that i tried to do what he asked… and if it doesn’t matter in the least bit to him that i am trying to smash my own heart for respecting his desires, i’m having a hard time convincing myself that its ever going to matter.
i know he has to worry about himself and his own healing right now. i know he’s not able to be anything for me right now. i dont expect him to.
but ya know what? i do at least expect him to refrain from being deliberately cruel and give me at least a shred of respect for the massive hurt he knows i’m fighting from this… and i guess after 7 weeks of this, i at least expect some shred of caring that i’m trying my best instead of just completely writing off my best attempts at emotional self-restraint as being completely and totally worthless.
if its so completely worthless, why am i bothering? if its all for no benefit to him at all and he doesnt care about it in the least bit unless i can be perfect, then why am i doing this?
if it requires perfection, then i cant do it…. and if i’ve lost him anyway even as someone i’m allowed to care about as a friend, why keep doing something that is killing me and isnt even something he pretends is useful until i fail?
if the honest reasons why he cant have me in his life at any level at all are that he cant have new people close, and that he cant have extra emotions in his processing… then it makes no sense that he’d be dating right now and adding in all of the extra crazy emotions that brings into the picture even with someone who is at a stable point.
i think he just feels like dangling a carrot of a hope of someday return to friendship in front of me is going to make me be quiet and not give him any grief over smashing my heart so brutally after leading me on that he was thinking long term. but if the carrot is so far out of reach that i know i’m never going to earn it… i’m the one who is stupid for chasing it and paying with my own emotional hurting to do so.
he originally said that he just wanted to cool our jets a bit and put things on the back burner a bit…. but then completely acted the opposite and treated it as the true dumping that it was… and i’m really starting to think this wasn’t any different.
i was just stupid a whole lot longer on this one than on that one. i care about him so much that i was willing to just keep completely smashing everything my heart felt every single time it felt something that wasn’t in line with his requests in the name of trying to do what was best for his well being… when it didnt actually even matter to him at all.
i’m just so tired of hurting…