Haven’t felt much like writing.
I did post two messages that I’d sent in the past week, sort of as representative examples of some of the waves that have been hitting.
Mostly things have been numb…. but then all of the sudden there will be a massive wave of some emotion that breaks through, and just completely overwhelms me.
Right now, the emotion can be about anything except positive things. Sorrow, agony, hopelessness, frustration, anger… all making frequent appearances, and to massive degrees.
I’ve been more angry than I think I’ve ever been in my life. It’s just not something that I usually deal with much. I just don’t know what to do with it when it does hit.
On a positive note, Prince Charming did contact me this week to spend an evening hanging out as friends.
Which did make me happy. And make me feel better, reducing the grief process more towards only losing him as someone who loved me than the loss of the friendship as well.
But, at the same time, I know that while he’s telling me that he doesn’t think getting into a relationship is good for him right now, I also know that he’s still looking for one elsewhere.
And I know that if he does find one, my friendship with him will probably be on the chopping block very quickly.
And so the loss has really only been delayed.
Maybe that will at least make it a bit easier to give it a bit of time between the two parts of losing him… making the process longer but at least easier to bear.