Last night I closed the door to my daughter’s empty room.
This weekend, I’d taken literally everything out of it… and painted it. And yesterday evening, I’d recoated the floor.
The floor was still wet. Some areas are still wet even this morning. And it will be a couple of days before it has completely set to the point of being able to apply polish to it.. and 2 waits of 8 hours each between coats after that before furniture can be moved back in, and normal use can happen.
So, roughly next weekend.
I closed the door to keep the cats out of the room. Usually her door is open to allow the cats to come and go from her room, but right now, cat paw prints through wet floor sealant would mess up the finish, as well as probably hurt the cat when it cleans it off the paws.
And so I closed the door that they can normally freely walk through.
And as I did so, the analogy to life right now was hard to miss.
The door is closed where it once was wide open… and I know at least some of the reasons why this was needed.
But there are differences.
Because while I was originally told that the door was just closed temporarily, almost instantly I saw locks being installed instead… and other furnishings were being permenantly rearranged showing that the door was not likely to ever be in use again.
While I’m being told that the floor can’t be walked on right now, I see other people being not just allowed through the door, but having to be trying to be coaxed through it… so I know that it’s more personal than is being implied.
And while maybe to him the room now looks empty, my items of value, my heart, was left on the other side.
All I can do is wait.
All I can do is try to continue on with life as it now is, forever changed.
All I can do is to try and keep myself from banging on the door and begging to be allowed in.
And right now, all I can do is try my best to try and pull myself away from the door…. to tell myself that sitting there weeping quietly against it does no good… that life away from the door is being missed while I sit.
And in that, I’m still failing.