Bubble breaking battle

So I managed to make Prince Charming mad at me. Or madder?

I was a mess the other night after losing the voicemail… barely slept at all… and had been in massive tears repeatedly.

Which gave me a major headache, as they tend to do…

And the next morning was the 10th…. 2 months… so I was going to have a rough day anyway… but the combination had me being a complete and total weeping mess.

So I called into work from the headache and the nausea… but also from knowing it was going to be a massive battle day if I went.

And was still an absolute mess who hadn’t even made it out of bed other than bathroom runs by early afternoon…. when Prince Charming posted a status on facebook saying he wanted to just run away from it all.

That’s definately a feeling I know. And so even though I know better than to act while I’m in total mess mode… I fell into that trap again… and commented that I wanted to go with him. Intending it to be supportive that I understood, and love him.

He did not take it that way in the least bit.

I was accused of making everything all about me.

For the last two months, I’ve felt like my heart and life got thrown into the middle of a tornado and completely shredded to give him the freedom he feels he needs to figure out what he needs to in his life… for his desires but sure not for mine… and I’m making everything all about me trying to be supportive?

Yeah, I went all out blubbering mess.

It wasn’t pretty.

I was told, again, to stop making everything about me, that he needed solitude and it was about what he needed, not about me.

I pointed out that I know from facebook, from his own admissions, and from other places online that he is dating and is looking for a new relationship… and he posts about being alone and lonely… so obviously he is looking for someone rather than for solitude, so it’s just not me that he wants, which does make it personal.

Rather than answers and honesty about why…. I just got a denial that he is dating. Directly opposite what he’s said, and what he’s made clear elsewhere he’s looking for.

And again, told to stop making everything all about me.

That was basically the response I got to everything.

I feel like my heart was smashed just to suit his mood, and it’s all about me when I cry about it hurting. I’m trying to be supportive, again all about me. I try to find out what’s going on in his mind… to understand and make sense of things… and even that is all about me.

And I know he’s making no sense on that…. and I know he’s hurting, he’s trying to make me feel bad, he’s sensitive to attack right now with all of his battles and seeing attacks even when there wasn’t meant to be one…

But it worked on making me feel bad… when I already felt horrible enough that I didn’t think it was all that possible to feel worse.

I’ve been through enough therapy and counseling rounds that I had trouble even making a sentence to reply to him that doesn’t have an “I” in it. That’s basic stuff, you offer from your own observations and feelings, not projecting a “you” that you can’t truly know is accurate and usually isn’t.

As someone I spoke with afterwards pointed out… the reason he feels like everything I say makes things all about me is probably because it feels to him like it does.
Because it reminds him that he isn’t the only one who is impacted by his decision, when he’d like to just feel like his choices are made in a bubble and only affect himself, because then he isn’t accountable to the harm he causes others by them.
So evidence otherwise pokes into his bubble, and makes him have to deal with the fact that his choices hurt me, which intrudes into his thinking that he is the only one who needs to be taken into account, thus making it seem like it makes everything about me just because it makes him remember that it isn’t purely just about him and his wishes.

Which in a twisted way, shows that he actually does care… or it wouldn’t get that sort of a reaction. If it didn’t bother him that he’s seriously hurt me, then he wouldn’t be impacted and his bubble wouldn’t be intruded.

But it sure doesn’t feel that way.

It feels like he hates me.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s