New normal?

So… it’s been 2 months now.

Life is still going about as it has been.

Still mostly numb until I get hit with these waves of intensity… mainly of agony and/or anger.

Still daily tears.

Still waking up every two hours all night long… awake for 1/2 an hour to 45 minutes at a time.

Still a minute by minute battle to keep my mind on other things, because it wants to run straight to obsessing over him.

Still bouncing all over the place from the waves… from wanting to send him a message telling him he’s being a cruel jerk and mocking his recent comments… to wanting to buy him a necklace as a gift showing support and that he’s still loved… and both within the same hour.

I still miss him so very much.

I still love him so very much.

I still realize that neither of those feelings are things he is feeling right now.

There’s been a few more answers given as to the why he is giving… personal issues that run deep within him… but there’s still a lot that is left unexplained as to how exactly that means I can’t even have his friendship…

And there’s still a lot of direct contradictions where I’m not sure which story to believe.

The more I try to make sense of it… the more I start to feel like Alice in Wonderland.

In any case… while last he’d said was that he wasn’t closing the door…. given the previous rounds and his actions, I’m pretty sure the door is in fact closed. Especially after yesterday. As much as I’d like to try to break the door down… it isn’t my door to break… it’s his to open should he ever choose to…. and should he really mean it long term rather than like the meeting.

And I know… that even friendship is really risky on my heart right now… as he is looking for love elsewhere, and if he finds it, there’s no way she’d going to be ok with him having an ex as a friend.

So life just sort of is what it is right now.

I’m miserable…. and barely holding it together most days.

But I guess this has stabilized as the new normal for now.

Sometimes life just sucks… and the best you can do is try and fake it through and hope it passes quickly.

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