As things have crossed the two month mark…. I feel like everyone is more than sick of hearing me whine… and yet… in most ways, it still hurts just about as bad as it did when it just happened.
Honestly, yes, I know I’m obsessed with the man far more now that I was when we were together…. which was still a good amount even then.
But the push now, from all directions, has moved into trying to convince me to force myself to get over him.
Right now, he has issues. He’s not up for dating even if he wanted to, and will probably learn that the hard way with his pursuits elsewhere by adding extra hurt to the pile he’s already dealing with. His actions make it clear he considers the door closed.
And so, from two different directions, the push has been for me to date again.
Even with my insistence that I have no intention of doing so.
They say that I need to do so, to take the opportunity now to make sure that what is different with him is really just because it’s him and not just because I’ve grown and changed.
That if it really is what I feel like it is, that dating others will just strengthen that feeling and will be no threat to it.
That it will answer any lingering questions should we ever get back together.
That it will fill some of the open gaps in places like companionship in the meantime while Prince Charming is unwilling or unable to do so… to at least kill time and be a distraction.
That letting them know up front that I’m still getting over having my heart broken will take care of the risk of hurting someone else in the process.
But I strongly get the feeling from both of them that they are hoping that it will be enough to shake my heart a bit.
That they are really hoping that it will be enough to make my heart at least consider relaxing its grip a bit.
One has someone in mind… that they assure me will be caring and gentle and make sure I feel spoiled and treated like a princess… that they can offer me things that Prince Charming can’t do for me right now…
And being treated gentle and kind and caring sure sounds very appealing right now when that’s sure not something I’m getting from life in general right now.
But everytime I let myself consider the idea… everytime the abandoned part of my heart wants to go after needs for companionship and affection and connection… every time, something tells me it’s wrong. Something brings me to tears. Something tells me this just isn’t the path.
Yes, I’m seriously hurting, and seriously missing what I had…. yes, there are hurting places that run very deep right now, and needs I’ve gotten used to having met without even trying that are now crying out.
But there is still just nothing in me that has any interest in having them met if it means that it isn’t met by him.
I know, it’s a stubborn thing… it’s a crazy thing when he’s obviously looking to find others to meet his needs… it’s
deliberately choosing to stay in hurt rather than to move into something that may bring healing.
But as tempting as the desire is to run into getting anything to make me feel better… it just doesn’t create enough of a desire yet to overcome the lack of desire to even look towards anyone else.
I want my heart to stop hurting…
But I want my Prince Charming to be the one to make it do so.
Even though he won’t or can’t right now.