Mud

There’s been a gradual change… that I first really noticed after the two month/lost voicemail spell…. but I think had started before that.

The restless physically has lifted a bit… but in its place, there’s a feeling of slogging through mud.

My mind is still restless, all over the place, unable to keep focus well and making stupid mistakes…. but the drive to frantically always be doing something and keeping moving constantly has eased up.

But now doing anything feels ten times harder than I know it really is.

I don’t want to do anything. At all. Even talking or writing.

It’s hard to focus on reading or even watching tv…. crochet is sort of hit or miss.

While my brain is still jumping in a million different directions at once, I don’t even have much of the drive to try and make sense of things anymore… I don’t have the energy for playing Alice in Wonderland.

What I really want to do is just curl up in a ball and sleep… to treat being under the weather emotionally like I would treat having the flu physically and just curl up in bed and shut the whole world off for a while… and hope by the time I get up, it will be over.

But… I’m still having trouble sleeping.

Initially I was waking up about once an hour…. but it’s pretty much stabilized at about every two hours now… usually the latter part of even hours (12, 2, 4, then at the one at 6 I’m up for the day)… ranging from about 1/2 an hour to an hour before I can fall back asleep again.

It feels like my life completely stopped back on May 10th, but then, on the other hand…. it feels like this has been absolutely forever.

Isn’t it over yet?

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