Losing it at night

As I’ve mentioned… I haven’t been sleeping well… waking up every two hours or so and having trouble falling back asleep even when I’m totally exhausted.

While the tears took a 1 day break after the meeting… the sleep thing didn’t. It’s gotten a bit better… used to be every hour initially… but still just really struggling to really relax and manage to rest peacefully.

Well, this week has gotten worse… because instead of just being awake again… I’ve woken up in the middle of a major emotional wave.

Of the three, there was one that I know what caused it… because I remember part of the dream that came just before it.

It wasn’t like a gory nightmare or anything… it was calm. But it involved Prince Charming with me at the stands of some random ballpark (not anywhere I know), calmly giving me all these excuses that made no sense as to why he couldn’t be there… (In spite of the fact that he was there, talking to me). For example, one of them was that he’d called his parents, and they didn’t like baseball.

Ok… yeah… so that’s not too hard to read where my brain was coming from with the dream… but the contents wasn’t actually what made me upset.

What made me upset was that it had been vivid enough that upon waking, I could still hear his voice… very clearly… very distinctly his… just as if he had actually just been talking to me.

It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve talked to him… and only a few times in the past 2 months… and hearing him on the phone always kind of melted me a bit… and I just went straight into wailing mode of missing him so bad.

Right at the start of it, sent him a text saying “love you” that probably shouldn’t have sent. But my decisions got worse after about half an hour of the wailing…. when the wave changed to a massive anger wave…. and I sent him a rather harsh message, just completely lashing out at him… about how much i wanted to hate him even though i couldn’t, and how much i was mad at my own heart for refusing to let go when it should.

It was bad. Much worse than the example anger wave stuff I’ve posted on here.

I somehow managed to cry myself to sleep again afterwards… woke up a few hours later and couldn’t believe I’d been crazy enough to send it… and sent an apology message.

The other two nights haven’t been quite that bad… and haven’t had anything that I’ve remembered preceeding them… just waking up in the middle of intense spell of missing him so very much… and fortunately neither of the others took the sharp turn into an anger wave.

But I feel like I’m completely losing it.

I have enough trouble trying to keep it together when I’m awake… I don’t need to be waking up already out there…

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