No more worst fears

I read something earlier this week…. that said that the abandoment that I’ve been going through is what we spend our energy throughout life trying our best to avoid.

It took that a couple of days to really sink in….

But yesterday, I really realized what that meant…. and how much it’s true.

What just happened….. was my absolute worst case scenario for every relationship.

That is exactly what I was scared of.

That was my worst fear.

That was what I spent years working on trust issues enough to be able to try and get past keeping people at a distance for fear of them doing.

I loved someone with everything I had, I trusted them with deep places in my heart, I let myself attach to them, I let them see places of my heart and mind that few people have seen, and I let myself rely on their assurances that they would always be there for me, that I would always have their support and their love.

And I got completely rejected, my trust betrayed, their assurances proved to be lies, my best wasn’t good enough for them, and they decided that my heart that they’d been trusted with was no longer of any importance to even hold let alone guard. They decided that I wasn’t worth being considered. They decided that I was disposable.

That is the worst that can happen.

Yeah, yeah, I’ve been told repeatedly how much I dodged a bullet by things happening now rather than later down the line, but really, the only thing that would have changed further down the line is that there would have been more practical, material things effected. Maybe one of us would have had to move, or suddenly change to covering expenses alone… there could have been other financial complications and all…

But really, none of that matters. None of that would have made it any harder emotionally than it already has been.

My heart was in it… and as a friend pointed out the other day…. the bullet didn’t get dodged. I got hit rather squarely.

But..

The wound was not fatal.

My worst fear came to be… and I lived.

I’m surviving it.

I can’t say that it hasn’t been the most painful thing in my life… but it’s 2 and 1/2 months later… and I’m still making it through it.

Very wounded, yes. Very weakened by the wound.

But it has not been fatal. There will still be life. There will still be healing.

And while it may not be tomorrow…. there will be a day when everything will be ok again.

But even now…. there’s a strength that comes from the realization that I have no greatest fear.

My greatest fear is what I’ve already been dealing with…. and I lived through it…. so what else do I have to fear?

Everything I spent so much of my emotional energy trying to prevent has happened… in spite of all of the effort to guard myself against it.. and while it was horrible, the world refused to end over it.

And I’m still here.

What do I have left to be scared of?

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