Reins

Last weekend, I started working through a book… taking things into a different direction than they had been… not too sure at the time that this really sounded like what I was looking at, but willing to give it a whirl and see what happened, because nothing else was helping.

The result has been that logic once again can feel the reins in its hands.

Yeah, the emotion horse is still running a bit wild… but it’s no longer out of control.

I understand what is going on now.

From the massive intensity of the waves and where they are coming from, to even why I am getting the physical symptoms.

I know that I’m not just losing it… that it is actually a normal response given a particular issue lurking in the background… that there is a rhyme and reason to it.

I know that the feelings actually aren’t entirely connected to Prince Charming… they are just focused on him as a target given that he was the one who triggered the explosion.

I realize that in spite of my emotions…. he is actually a completely replaceable factor.

I’m not sure that all of the solutions in this particular program of therapy are things that are actually going to be helpful to me… but really, even just having an understanding of what is going on is helping me more than anything else had.

Knowing what’s really behind the waves… makes them seem that much less intimidating and overwhelming.

They have become manageable. Still there, still big… but I’ve gotten some control back. I have the reins again to try and influence their direction… to harness their energy to directions that are less disruptive and destructive.

Some of my craziest actions are actually now making sense.

Actually, to my complete surprise…. I turned ahead to the section about rage, giving that those were some of the worst waves…. only to find that one of the things I’ve done that I felt like was the most out of control (lashing out at Prince Charming in a long and harsh email), was actually something that was noted as a positive thing.

Seriously.

Because it shows that the separation is progressing…. and that I’ve gotten to the point of no longer allowing injury to my self without fighting it… that I’m back to giving my own needs due
consideration… that I’m starting to direct the anger
appropriately… that I’m getting my feet back underneath me.

I’m not sure that the many many apologies that followed showed that quite as much…. but you have no idea how much it helps to realize that what seemed like your most out of control crazy moments were actually moments that were on the right path and a sign of positive progress.

It’s still a bit wild…. but there’s a degree of feeling like there is a direction and intention…. and that this is going towards healing, not insanity.

It’s going to be ok.

Right now…. that’s a big thing.

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