Another surprise from jumping ahead to working in the rage section…. was on the topic of closure.
Lacking closure is actually a common frustration in these
situations… as is getting reasons that don’t explain anything or make any sense… so again, nice to not be alone.
But, it had the answer!
Creating your own closure out of your anger.
I can’t do anything to change the lack of reasoning and lack of closure from Prince Charming. I can’t see what’s really inside his head, or force him to give me better explanations. Believe me, in trying to make sense of things, I’ve tried. It still feels like Alice in Wonderland.
But, I can choose to close my own door to him…. letting him keep his own answerless mess of his reason why on his own side.
I can choose to end my side of the relationship… on my own terms… for my own reasons. And to let those be my reasons why the
relationship is over.
I can make my own closure… by choosing to close my own door.
I can slam my own door shut on someone who doesn’t take my heart into consideration, doesn’t treat me with the value that should have been deserved, and chooses to play games with me rather than being open with his actual thoughts and feelings…. and let those be the reasons that the door is closed, regardless of wonderland lurking on his side.
Somehow this possibility had never really occurred to me.
It really just hadn’t.
I’d been so focused on trying to understand and get closure from his closed door, I guess I didn’t even stop enough to realize that his door is not also my door.
But, it’s not quite as easy as just that.
Because now it comes down to my door…. and a bit of real honesty….
How much do I really want the closure?
How much did I want the closure for the sake of closure, and how much did I actually just want the reasons to try and figure out how to fix them and try and reopen his door?
My door to him has always been wide open, with the hope that someday he’d open his again more than just for a one night change of heart… and choose to step back through it. I’d never even thought about it being possible to close it, let alone to actually want to do so.
Do I want closure enough to choose to close my door to him?
It’s actually a really hard question for me to answer honestly right now…. and I’m not sure just yet what that answer is going to be. I wouldn’t have ever thought that I would initially, but as time has gone on, I’ve got good reasons on both sides now.
But it still makes me feel much better, even if I choose not to seek closure…. because I realize that I have the option. Whether I choose to do so now, or to give it a bit and choose to do so down the road a bit. I have control of this. This is something that is in my power to do for myself if I decide that I need or want to do so.
While it may be something that I need for moving on more than I initially realized… and choosing to lock the door once closed may be in the cards down the line as well.
But just knowing that I could have it if I want it might also be enough for right now.
I have the knob in my hand… and a ton of reason to close it right now. Am I ready to do so?
Never thought I’d ever be at the point of doing so… but it’s a very close battle on the decision right now.