Rough teary night

Kind of a rough teary night tonight.

I’m reminding myself that just a couple of weeks ago, this was basically every night… or if not at night then at some point during the day.

I’m reminding myself that I’m choosing release… to let him go.

I’m reminding myself that if it’s only being held by my own power, then it wasn’t meant to be anyway… and if the cord is meant to stay bound, then it will do so in spite of my choice to let go.

If it’s meant to be, it will be.

If it’s not meant to be, it will not be, and effort otherwise is wasted.

I know that he is safe. As highly as I regard both his wisdom and his heart, my trust isn’t in his being smart and loving, my trust is that God holds a plan for both of us.

I want the best of his plans for me, even if it’s not Prince Charming.

I do honestly want healing and peace and comfort for Prince Charming, and the best that God has in the plans for him as well. I see great things in him… that I truly believe are going to come into power in his life… and as much as I want to be his and him to be mine, I don’t want to be the thing that shouldn’t have been that messes up his life and future by being in the way of it.

If my perceptions were correct, then I have lost nothing… if they were incorrect, all that I have lost is delusion.

He does not love me.

Maybe he never really did.

Maybe he really was always just manipulating the fact that I really did love him, and he knew it.

If so, this is the best thing.

But, if not, then eventually, he will be home again.

But for right now, this is still the best thing. To let him sort out what needs sorted out, resolve what needs to be resolved, fix what needs to be fixed.

I do still believe him when he tells me that he didn’t want to hurt me, in spite of the fact that it so very much did anyway.
I do believe that he is making what he felt was the best decision that he could make, even if I don’t understand or agree with it.
I do still believe that he is an awesome guy… an amazing person… even when he’s hurting and his behavior could make every case except that one.

But even so… I choose to release my grip… and let the only grip left to hold be that which is not of either of our doing…. as an act of faith and trust so much bigger than my efforts could ever dream of being.

I have to.

It has to be done.

It had to be done last week… it had to be done tonight… it has to be done over and over as I keep trying to let my heart grab of its own strength again.

But man… that sure doesn’t make it hurt less. It doesn’t make the empty feeling that sinks in at night any less. Make my arms long to be wrapped around him again any less. Make his absence feel like any less of a black hole.

But it’s what has to be.

Even when I hate that it has to be.

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