The world of the lone ranger

Right now is a very weird place in my life.

One thing that this weekend brought out as one of the biggest things of the weekend in KC is that I feel very disconnected from people right now.

***

And yes, part of that is just the loss of Prince Charming.

He’s honestly the one person in my life besides my grandmother that I’ve really felt like had my back… that I felt really completely comfortable with and like I could really be honest with him… like he could see not only the parts of me that were in one box but also the parts that are in another one that seem to contradict each other and not turn away and write me off as a mess.

So finding out that I was really all alone on the human side of things anyway… just days after the last email reassurance that he’d always be there for me… was a really rough blow to the feeling of connectedness.

***

And part of it is just that I’m an introvert.

Connection is not generally how I recharge, its generally draining at various levels… especially in larger groups.

It’s not something that comes as second nature to me.

***

And part of it is a pre-existing thing.

I’ve gone into it before here on not feeling all that connected with people I go to church with, even when I think they are good people, feel safe with them, and even the ones I consider friends and speak with and pray with etc.

***

But, the ironic sort of thing with this, is that really, I’ve been more connected with people lately than I have been at any other time in recent years.

My usual support network has gotten one massive workout…. probably more than I’ve leaned on them in the last decade combined.

There are actually about 3 different cases where I’ve heavily opened up to and relied on people that I really have never done so with previously, or on a much much more limited basis previously.

I’ve found support when I’ve reached out for it.

I’ve found that even when there are people who very much disagree with me and my particular actions, with a couple of exceptions, most will not withdraw from the connection just because they don’t approve.

In some of these ones, I have been the one who has chosen to withdraw a bit sometimes because of feeling like I needed the support of my decisions at that time more… but with two particular exceptions of people getting upset that I wasn’t taking their advice, most people have generally been surprisingly good about not just being jerks when we have found ourselves in disagreement. They don’t lie to me and pretend to like my choices, but they don’t write me off for making them.

As someone with a past of approval seeking, that’s a big thing.

It seems like I should be feeling supported, connected, loved, a part of things…. more than I ever have.

***

I recently slaughtered my facebook friend list.

At one point a few years ago, I had almost 500 friends on the account that uses my legal name and is known by family and such and so keeps things at a much less personal level. I’d dropped it in about half about a year and a half ago, dropped another handful a few weeks after I’d started the new job.

It’s now at about 75.

On a really really low feeling day, I decided to go through the list with a virtual ax in hand.

The criteria I was using was that this person would be, at least to some degree, upset if I were to kill myself, and that I would miss them if they killed themselves.

Like I said, I was in a very low place at the time. lol

I did also make exceptions for about 4 people that I knew there would be larger consequences for removing them than it was worth, although they did get removed from having their posts in my feed anymore… and I did also keep a couple of people that didn’t meet the criteria but that I had communication reasons to keep contact with.

Some childhood friends didn’t make the cut. Several cousins got the ax. I actually even deleted a sister in law… which might have been one that I’ll get drama over eventually if she actually even notices.

But, my point is… I still have more than 60 people on my list that I can honestly say care at least a bit… and that’s even when I’m using my judgement at it’s most depressed point.

And oh how much more I enjoy facebook in the aftermath! So much less just random junk… so much more interaction with the people that actually matter.

Again, this should be something that makes me feel more connected with people.

***

But I just really don’t right now.

I remember way back as a late teen/early college at depressed points feeling like I was an alien… just sort of off, sort of like my brain was running on a different system, speaking a different language.

And it’s a bit of that same sort of a vein.

A feeling like yes, God has my back on a spiritual level, but that as far as humans go, a bit like I’m an abandoned orphan… making the connections I need to get what I need… giving to others as they need… but just completely acting as an isolated unit rather than as a hub on a network of connections.

I don’t know if that makes sense on explaining the difference.

Maybe it’s like the difference between being a another state and being a different country? There’s still interaction, but not really alliance?

It’s just an odd place.

And I know it’s not the way that it should be.

But even as I’m doing new things, meeting new people… finding that I’m making friends a lot easier having survived through the worst case scenario of trust issues… it still seems to persist.

Actually, honestly, the more I seem to interact with the same people regularly, the more it seems to be there.

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