After dreaming

Have been thinking this evening.

My first impulse after the dream is to say that I really want to find love again, as soon as God is willing to give it to me.

I want to have someone to care about that much… and someone to care about me that much.

Because no matter what feelings still remain that I can’t shake loose, they don’t actually matter to anyone but me and God. They change nothing with the prince.

He’s said it’s nothing personal… it’s not about me… but then, he’s made it clear with his actions that he is looking for a new
relationship.

Even as he says that the only reason is just that he needs some time by himself to figure things out.

So it really boils down to being just that he doesn’t want to be with me and wants to be with someone else, but doesn’t have the honesty to tell me why.

*

I find myself thinking that what I need is someone who would be the woman in the gallery for me.

Who would be the crazy one who couldn’t see the mundane that everyone else saw in the scenes.

I want someone who is as crazy as me as I was about Prince Charming.

*

But, then I’m reminded…

I’m reminded of all of his facebook posts about how amazing I was, how I was his Chuck Norris (long story, but a compliment), how grateful he was that God had brought me into his life…

And all the selfies and checkins he would post.

My phone doesn’t have a front facing camera, so he was always the one doing pics of us together… showing us off to his world.

I had my crazy gallery lady. He was my crazy facebook boy.

*

What makes someone go from that, to suddenly treating me like he hates me?

That’s the one puzzle piece that I will always wish that I had… just to know what was going on in his head and heart.

What in the world happened in that 4 day spell between ice cream and plans for the future and his mother…. to suddenly having no concern for me at all?

What flipped in his mind that made me go from being the one he’d post as his favorite girl… to being the person telling me he couldn’t be anyone’s favorite person and looking for a replacement girl?

And I know… it doesn’t matter.

It wouldn’t change a thing if I did know. He’s still gone either way.

And most of the time, I’m at peace with that.

I know that he did what he had to do.

That the questions he’s answering for himself are questions that would have never gone away had he just tried to bury them, instead, they would have become giant elephants under the rug.

I trust in his heart, his character, and his wisdom…. but more than any of those, I trust in God having a plan to turn bad things for good.

He has a plan. He has a purpose to this, for both me and the prince.

He knows what he’s doing far more than either of us ever will.

If things were meant to be with the prince, then someday we’ll meet again… but right now it looks like that’s not the case, so it’s time to move forward unless something changes someday.

He’s moved on. There’s nothing left for me to do but do likewise.

It is what it is… and it’s life.

But there are still moments… times I hear a song I can remember him singing along to… times I think of something he’d find funny… times I just find myself wanting to hear his voice again….

And the missing him just gets to me. It just hits me anew that what was will never again be.

And it’s like a death… but like the one book put so well, at least if he had died, I”d have gotten to keep the love to hold me, rather than having it taken away to find someone else to give it to.

And maybe that’s what hurts me the most.

Because I know that he cared about me deeply… I was valued… I was cherished….

And then suddenly, I wasn’t.

And I know, that down the road, that fear is always going to haunt me… after I’ve found someone who loves me again.

I’m always going to be battling that fear, out of the pain and agony of this experience.

And I know… that because he will be human, whoever he is, he’s going to eventually hurt me.

But I know that I have to trust anyway.

Not in him…. but in God, and in myself.

I survived the worst.

I can do it again.

I will do it again.

There is nothing that a man can do to my heart that I can’t recover. Yes, it may feel like it’s killing me for a couple of months…. but eventually, I’ll be ok.

But there’s a part of me… that faced with that thought… really just wants to curl up, accept that it’s just me and God vs the world and that a teammate just isn’t in the cards… and close my heart.

To just be glad that I got my one chance to really feel what it was like to be loved, and call that enough.

But, something tells me my heart will never be happy with that.

It was before the prince…. but I don’t think it will be now that it’s had a taste.

But then, my heart is crazy, and hell-bent on killing me. All it thinks is that it still wants Prince Charming back, even if he hates me and is cruel now.

And all I can do is treat is as gentle as I can, as I whisper to it again and again that it’s going to be ok anyway.

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