I was reading this afternoon… and decided I was tired of reading.
But I didn’t really feel like doing anything else either… and so just sat there for a bit.
I started thinking about something from the reading, and my mind went off on a tangent.
I started thinking about the dynamics between being strong,
independent, and completely capable of taking care of myself, and yet, there’s still an element that wants to be protected over as if I can’t.
I don’t need any human’s protection. I don’t need someone to provide for me. I can do both of those well enough on my own. Honestly, I’m probably way too independent.
But, still, I want someone… even if I don’t need them. There’s just an element there that isn’t critical, but emotionally is a major thing.
And I got to thinking that I wish I had an earthly dad. Even when I did have one, mine wasn’t much with the father role.
And yes, God fills that role, and has used other males over the years as a human form of his hands.
But I just found myself wishing that I had a flesh one right now. One to feel like was guarding and protecting me… looking out for me.
Even when guys that I’ve trusted my heart to turn out to just be jerks who weren’t trustworthy.
Do I need one? No, not really. I’m a fully capable adult. Even if I had one, at this point in my life, it wouldn’t likely be a role that would be a huge part of my life anymore, but more a background role most of the time.
But I would still like to have one around… particularly while I’ve been going through all this.
There are older males in my life… but none that really fill that sort of a place right now.
And I got to wishing that I could talk with a friend of mine who passed away a few years ago, named Mark.
At least two (probably 3) of you reading here knew him as well, and some of you better than I did.
But he was always one of those guys who many of us found we could have fatherly sorts of chats with when we were feeling a bit lost.
He rarely had answers to give you, and didn’t pretend to. But he would always listen, and offer what he knew in advice, and somehow by the end of the conversation you had a much better idea of what you were going to do than you did going in.
He’s someone who I’ve actually wished I could talk to quite a bit during this… just to hear what he had to say.
You see, Mark was one of these really awesome guys… cared about everyone… reached out to new people… patience and kindness of a saint towards people that drove the rest of us crazy… the one who volunteered for about everything and that you didn’t have the slightest doubt that he was really praying for you when he said he would… the type of guy that had a lot of us wishing there were a whole lot more guys like him around.
One of my brightest memories is of him spotting me across a huge busy room filled with people… waving at me… and weaving his way across lines and people and dividers just to come give me a big hug rather than waiting until we would have seen each other just a little bit later without all the obstacles.
There’s only one person who I’ve ever heard have a bad thing to say about him, and that was his wife… who never seemed happy with things that the rest of us could only dream of having someone do for us.
Many of us could never understand whatever had happened in her life to make her feel as she did, but she was always cool and distant towards him… as much as he loved her and seemed to always be going out of his way to try and make her happy in any way he could.
Eventually, when their last child left for college, she told him she was done and wanted her freedom, and asked him to move out, and he did as she’d asked… leaving all of the gardens and ponds he’d spent so much work creating, the house he’d been working on remodeling various rooms of for years… everything that’d meant so much to him.
Shortly afterwards, he was hit with his third round of cancer in his life, having survived two previous battles many years earlier… and passed away before the divorce was ever final.
Something tells me he’d have understood a lot of what I’ve been feeling with the whole Prince Charming business…. magnified many many times over.
I’ve found myself just wondering at times what he would have said to me during this… having been through what he had.
I know he still wouldn’t have had any easy answers… he never seemed to find any himself… but I just wish sometimes I could talk it out with him and see where it brought me…. because I know I’d have at least felt a lot better and had my mind be a lot more clear by the end of it.