I feel like I have a billion things going on right now… and at least two billion competing for my mental attention.
Back to school is this week, so there’s a lot of resorting and regrouping and reevaluating on getting things going for the next year, and what I want everyday life to look like.
There’s a drama issue that won’t be posted about here, but that has mostly resolved to the point where I need to decide when I’m comfortable with taking the next step forward to bring it to a full resolution. But doing so is going to mean being able to stand firm on a boundary once set… and I really don’t think I’m at a place where I’m strong enough to do so right now.
There’s an issue with my daughter that I’m trying to figure out how to best approach… and another one that I’m not sure is even my place to approach, but how to best get her to approach it herself.
There’s two different spiritual things rolling around in my head right now being sorted out… and at least two more sort of on the outskirts.
There’s the whole issue of trying to figure out what’s happening now on directions… whether to write school off completely… whether to look for another job that will be more of a career or stay with the one that does just fine for right now, but may or may not have a future.
There’s a couple of new things that I’m learning… that need some mental time to really focus on them a bit more than they have been getting.
There’s something that I feel like I’ve been told… that I’m trying to make sure that I understand exactly what that means… and exactly how I’m going to respond to that.
There’s the whole deal of the underlying issues that got uncovered in dealing with getting over the loss of the prince.
There’s the matter of figuring out what it is that I feel like I’m missing and have lost in losing him… what it is that I need to have replaced in my life to correct that, and how to best go about doing so.
And then there’s the whole prince issue itself.
And it seems like…. with that many things needing attention…. that the prince really ought to be the last thing on my list.
After all… it’s the most stable. It’s done. There is nothing more than I can do there even if I did feel like I completely understood and completely knew my feelings about the matter.
Even if my side were completely fixed, his side very much is not, and he’s made it clear that he has no intention of fixing or even putting in the effort to explore if it could be fixed. He’s decided he’s instead looking to replace.
But somehow, in spite of the low urgency, right now, that seems to have the trump card.
That seems to be the one that outweighs the others when it raises its head.
Part of it is from the emotional intensity of it… especially before about 3 weeks ago.
But I think, to a large degree, its due to fear.
I’m scared of long term damages from ignoring it.
I’m scared of wounds not healing if I don’t try give them my greatest attention.
I’m scared of a situation like with D, the former fiance… where he still has the power to mess with my world when he randomly messages me, years and years after there was any hope of ever being anything there.
And I’m scared, because even when finally deciding to confront Prince Charming on the sudden coolness towards me, at that point I honestly couldn’t tell whether I was actually picking up on a real issue, or whether I was reacting to him accidentally getting too close to old wounds from J.
Obviously, it ended up being the former…. the tiny tiny tip of an iceberg I would have totally left alone if I’d had any clue what lie ahead.
But, the incident with J was over a decade ago.
I’ve gone back through the relationship with J in therapy twice… once about a year and a half afterwards… and once another two years after that, after he’d actually come back, we’d gone out, and I’d come to realize that I actually had absolutely no interest in him as a person anymore or interest in continued dating, but that it still somehow hurt from the earlier round anyway even after that.
Even with 11 years from the hurt, and two rounds of processing… it still had enough wound there to make me unable to tell if that’s what I was reacting to or not.
That scares me.
Because I know the prince had me a whole lot more hooked than J did.
It scares me what the scar is going to do in the future if I don’t get it completely and properly dealt with now.
There’s been a lot of healing.. and I’m doing ok now.
But there’s still enough of a grip in that 15% left to bring me to tears at points.
It’s that grip that scares me that if I don’t give it my full attention until it’s resolved, that time will not resolve it itself.
And I know healing is not entirely in my hands anyway to control.
And I know the more I focus on it, the more it controls of my life at a time when I’m just getting the controls back under my power.
But the risk of not giving it priority scares me.