The Magic 8 ball

I feel like I am dealing with a magic 8 ball.

I’m sure if you’ve been reading here you’ve already caught that to some extent.

It’s not like the waves where emotions are just abruptly overwhelming me…. its just that at any given moment, I haven’t the foggiest idea what I’m going to get as far as feelings.

It’s just always a random surprise! LOL

Talking with a mutual friend, I find myself deeply desiring the fact that he believes in karma to let his new love interest treat his heart with exactly as much concern as he treated mine… just enough to realize it’s going to cause hurt and to acknowledge that they know and do not desire that outcome, but with too little character to decide that they will not cause that hurt in their own self interests anyway.

Then, not too long afterwards, I run into another old coworker of ours at the store, and talking to her I find myself sentimental and teary and wanting him back more than anything.

I have no real idea where either one came from…. both were total surprises to me, but very deep feelings at that moment.

Most of the time, logic prevails.

I know he is hurting and is a mess right now, not of any fault of his own. I know that factor is messing with his head, his heart, and his decisions. I know that he did not intend the hurt that he caused, but that he was making what he honestly felt was the best decision.
I know that the contradictions are not meant to be personal, even when they seem completely illogical and like a direct slap in the face. I’ve chosen to forgive him, and seek no harm to come to him. I hope that he does find the answers that he needs to find, and that they come to him quickly without causing further damages in his life in the process.
I wish the best for both of us, and trust that God has a plan with this and knows what he’s doing, and will bring it to good.
I trust that if things are meant to be, they will be again, but that at the moment, that does not look to be the case, so I need to just trust that and work towards healing and look towards moving on.

But… having said that…

There’s no certainty that my feelings are lining up with that at any given moment.

One moment I’m wanting popcorn to sit and watch the train wreck that’s likely to come with the fact that his “I need to be alone and can’t handle a relationship right now, it’s not about you” has now changed to gushing over a new girl.

The next time the thought of him comes up, I’m in tears… begging God to hurry up with fixing things and to bring him back.

And the next time, I’m back to pushing away, begging God to release me from the remaining ties, pleading with him that I’ve been hurt enough from this already and that leaving me with heart ties to someone who hates me is only going to keep causing me greater harm… asking him to bring the man into my life quickly who will not only not desire to hurt me but who will also have the courage to decide that he will guard my heart rather than harm it even if it does make his own world more complicated.

The prince has a birthday in a week and a half.

I’ve felt like ignoring it, which is probably the best plan. I’ve felt like giving him the gifts I’ve had planned to give him since Valentines Day, even knowing that he’s probably going to absolutely hate the things he would normally love just because they are from me. I’ve thought about giving him something I know will hurt his feelings. I’ve thought about making him the offer to take him to the very nice dinner location I’d planned anyway as friends if his new love interest hasn’t developed by that time.
I’d thought about having one of his friends take him, and offering to pay as long as they didn’t tell him that I had, just because I know he’d love the place and to be kind to him.
I’ve thought about picking some random other guy, taking them to the nice place I’d long since planned on taking the prince, and making a point of checking in on facebook with random guy as if he were taking me on a romantic dinner there.
I’ve thought about getting window markers and writing sweet things on his truck. I’ve thought about baking the type of cupcakes I’d planned since Valentines, and smashing them all over his truck.
I’ve thought about going absolutely over the top with gifts, hoping that the new girl’s gift looks lame in comparison.

I’ve thought about doing very mean things, and I’ve thought about doing very kind things.

It entirely varies… and I don’t really know what I’m going to get at any point.

But no matter how far I get into the mean direction, I find myself remembering that I do love him, and care about him.

And however far I go towards loving him and wanting him back in my arms… I always remember… he doesn’t love me, he’s moved on, so my feelings are never going to be fulfilled.

I’m so ready for this phase to be over.

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