Who would really miss me?

Right now facebook is filled with all sorts of posts giving suicide help line numbers and such… and I’ll admit, I’ve posted my own, as I haven’t seen much info about one that operates by email.

But I have to stop and wonder how much of the effort would be better redirected towards actually talking with their friends… instead of just giving information on someone else to talk to, or making the one hurting be the one to initiate.

As I mentioned in the Lone Ranger post recently, I’ve been feeling really disconnected lately… not that there isn’t support and interaction, just not really feeling the connection element.

And I also mentioned in that post that I recently slaughtered my friends list down to 73 people when I was in a very low place… using the criteria of who would be at least somewhat effected if I killed myself, and vice versa.

But… even so….

There was recently a spell, right when I started to get my feet back under me… when I wasn’t on facebook much.

Actually, I didn’t make a single post during a 2 week period.

Normally when I drop off a bit, I at least have one every couple of days… but a lot of what I was working through and thinking about really wasn’t facebook material, and it sort of got forgotten.

It’s no big secret on there that I’ve been in a rough place emotionally, though they don’t know the detail that I post here.

So how many people noticed that someone in a rough emotional spell completely disappeared for 2 weeks?

Nobody mentioned it if they did.

Of the 73, 5 had in person contact with me, and 4 either read here or could if they wanted to check and see that I was still posting here.

Did any of the other 64 even notice?

I wonder… if I’d used a bit less dramatic criteria… and had instead used "which ones of these people would care or even notice if I dropped out of their lives if I were still alive and otherwise ok"… how many people would I have left?

Like I mentioned about a year ago in an old post about losing friends, a lot of my friends have much wider circles of friends than I do, as with a lot of them, I know that I matter less to them than they matter to me.

But, like I mentioned in that post, 2 of my closest in person friends basically didn’t really care that my schedule had completely taken me out of contact with them.

It’s been more than a year later, my schedule is now a lot more open, and neither one of them has made an attempts to reconnect.

I take that to mean that they weren’t really the friends that I thought that they were.

It hurt. It’s a hard thing to be faced with admitting.

But I suppose it was better to know the truth than to continue under delusion.

But it makes me wonder… how many others are the same?

I have people who will give me requested support when I reach out to them. I have many other ones who accept my support when I offer it.

But, if I just completely stopped reaching out, for support, for friendship, for connection at all…. how many would miss me enough to notice and look for me?

How many really value my connection with them?

How many value me when I have nothing to offer them, and am not asking anything of them? Just value me and want to connect with me for just the fact that I’m me?

That’s a very hard question to be brutally honest about.

But it’s also made worse a bit by recent history… and how many people I know that Prince Charming considers to be friends, and who treat him like friends, but then gave opinions of him to me since the breakup that give me anything but that impression, which still showing him the friendship face.

Most of these same people I assume will do the same to me if they aren’t already, but I wonder how many others.

As I’ve mentioned on here somewhere along the line… one of the three big factors in my decision to become closer friends with Prince Charming even when I was getting glimpses of the drama in his life was that the prayer that I’d prayed during the spell of losing the two friends came to mind…. my request to God for friends that it mattered to them whether I was in their lives or not.

I knew I mattered to him as a friend at that point.

I always knew during our relationship that I mattered to him, I had no doubts on that until things were ending.

I wish that I understood how it can go from there… being someone that he told me was his world, told me was the only good thing in his life, made me wonder if he was too dependant on me…. to someone that I suddenly didn’t matter to him at all, wasn’t worthy of trust, didn’t have a place in his life at all, that he doesn’t even appear to miss and just wants to have disappear from his life as he moves on and goes after his new interests and new object of his adoration.

I don’t really think that I will ever have an answer for that, especially as fast and abrupt as the change seemed to be.

But he does still matter to me. I do still miss him in my life a lot more than I’m willing to admit on most days.

And there are a lot of people who do matter to me.

But I wonder sometimes how many of them the feeling is truly mutual, and how many are really more one-sided than I think.

I know this is probably something that I need to work on, something that I needed to do to build more friendships even back then… and something that I need to work on to feel more connected to humanity period.

Yes, value has to come from God, from seeing yourself as he sees you, and from your own value of your own self.

But it’s still hard to feel very connected to people when you don’t really feel like very many of them place the value on you that you place on them.

But how do you even go about that?

How do you make friends who seem somewhat indifferent about you, or only seem to care when you are the one making all the effort, into friends who genuinely make you feel like you are important to them?

Is there a way to intentionally make yourself important to someone who is important to you, without it being just for what you can do for them?

It seems like it’s generally one of those things that you have to sort of happen into… a friendship that just clicks.

How do you go about intentionally finding or building new ones?

You can give friendship… you can be the best friend you can towards them… you can love them and serve them…

But how do you go about adding more people who really dearly care about you as well?

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