Hating love

Later edit.

I feel like it is worth noting on some of the more popular of the more extreme entires that these are not the current feelings on the matter. For a more complete view, you may wish to consider the more current feelings in the balance.

End edit notes.

*

I hate that I still have feelings about the prince.

I hate the small but deep part of my heart that hasn’t yet released the ties that bind it to him.

I hate that I can’t force it to do so… can’t reason with it.

I hate that my expectation that it would finally go away when the desire to move on and grab ahold of a better future finally came turned out not to be the case.

I hate that I’m ready to put this whole awful chapter behind me and look for real love again, and yet, still have enough lingering emotions to keep healing from being complete enough for that to have fruitful results yet.

I hate that this whole thing has awakened this neediness in me, this feeling of dependance, this deep ache to connect again, this longing for someone that I’ve gone for years and years on my own without having to battle.

I hate that I have this very long list of all of these very huge reasons why he is a mess, why he is someone who shouldn’t be worth my time, why he did me a huge favor for pushing me out of the train wreck I was completely willing to submit myself to…. that I can make a very long list of why he is a heartless jerk… and it still doesn’t release me.

I hate that I can laugh at a comparison of him and darth vader… that dark vader too had a hint of good in him.. know it’s the case with him too that I’m overlooking way too much bad while clinging to the good when I’m being anywhere near objective… and somehow still have part of me that misses him.

I hate that he still has power to influence my emotions, long after he’s stopped having the slightest bit of concern for them.

I hate that no matter how gentle and tender I whisper to my heart, letting it know that what it had from him is never going to be again, telling it that if it really wants that back that it’s going to have to let go so that I can find someone safe to be able to let it attach to, someone who will care for it and hold it and value it… somehow it still clings to the past and ignores the massive massive amounts of hurt done to it by the same hand since then.

I hate that I was able to be strong and brave and logical and do what I needed to do to get away from someone who was physically hurting me… but that I suddenly turned into a pathetic weakling when it came to someone emotionally manipulating me, even after he’d given up all pretense of honestly caring.

I hate the drama. I hate the hurt. I hate the nonsense in the name of reasons. I hate the tears that fell. I hate the games. I hate the puzzle pieces that will always remain missing. I hate the puzzle period!

I hate not being able to follow my heart and act from my deepest feelings. I hate the second-guessing. I hate the way it makes me feel about things of myself that aren’t things that I should hate… like my ability to see good in someone, to believe in them, to really let myself love them even seeing that they have flaws and problems, to let myself trust in their words and to let myself hope for the future. These should all be good things… all be signs of progress from past relationships… instead they stand as signs of the stupidity that can be caused by love.

I hate basically everything since April… I hate how things went… I hate the way I responded… and I’m just sick of it.

I want my life back.

I don’t care if it’s the life I had before where I was ok with being alone, or if its life like I had when we were together when things seemed to be so much more simple and direct.

Why exactly can my heart not get it’s act with the program here, realize that it’s not doing anyone at all a lick of good, and just let me move forward in finding new love again and give me back my freedom?

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