ok, yeah, last night was a bit rough.
i realize there are big flaws in the logic of the last post… but, its what it really feels like sometimes.
so… in the aftermath… having calmed down…. I sent this email to the prince…. requesting some of the answers that haven’t really been there yet, in hopes of healing some of the wounds that cause the feelings at 4am. (which, actually, probably also have some to do with meds being worn off at that time…assuming I’d normally be asleep at that time.)
I don’t know if he’ll answer…. don’t know if he’ll take it in the spirit it was written….
but I can say it’s a whole lot nicer than I felt like writing last night. 🙂
Is there anything that I could do that would help you to be able to be able to trust me and be honest with me on a couple of questions?
You have my word that I will not try to argue with them, fight them, or otherwise use them against you.
1. What was going through your mind between the night we got ice cream at ritas, and that weekend when you never updated me on the change in plans, that changed things? What was the thought process that made your intentions go from telling me about very long term things, to a place that you were in the process of giving up?
2. What was prompting you to move forward and lead me into thinking you were wanting to take things to a more serious level with all of the long term stuff, if you knew that you’d never actually loved me? You had me, hook line and sinker, and I was preparing to sign a year lease, not pressuring you towards any sorts of commitments… why wouldn’t you shy away from voluntarily moving that direction?
There’s a million small things I could ask, but those are the two big ones… the ones that I feel like it would really make things a lot easier on me for closure, to hopefully help me to be more able to sever the attachments and be able to heal and move on without still having so many emotions tied to you.
I know that you are trying to protect me by giving me the answers that you just need time alone and it wasn’t about me, but it sort of fails to do so when it’s not an answer I’m able to believe. I seriously thought about sending this to you on your POF profile to make that point, but I hope that it’s not needed. I don’t want to get into debates with you. It’s a wasted frustration for both of us.
And I realize that the "crazy" vague answers I got to both of those questions at the meeting were probably also trying to either protect my feelings or your image or both.
But believe me, in the absence of answers, my imagination has slaughtered the crap out of both of us far worse than any reality could be.
Those answers towards closure was what I was really hoping for with the meeting… and the lack of them was the biggest thing that I knew still wasn’t right even after it.
They are still the biggest thing that I think would help me to finally be at peace with things now.
I’ve pretty much assumed the worst about you… that you were just being a cruel and intentionally manipulative jerk intentionally picking me as an easy victim and using me until you just couldn’t stand me anymore even when I was still buying it… and I’ve assumed the very worst about myself… that I’m just a hopelessly pathetic completely screwed up obvious gullible ugly blob and someone who will never be capable of being loved by a human when not even her own family can manage it… and even both at the same time. (It really makes for some lovely thoughts, trust me)
There’s not any truth that is going to be able to hurt me worse than I’ve already imagined… there’s not a need to protect me or to save face.
There will be no judgement… no pleadings… no attacking them….
I’m just looking to be able to heal and let go…
I’ve done the best I can at just accepting that I’ll be ok without you because I actually never really had you in the first place and I made it anyway… so it’s not like anything has changed but the illusion.
But as much as I’m fighting against them, I’m still running into attachments that refuse to die and let me move on without my heart pulling back towards you, towards a dream of how it thought things were, no matter how I try and convince myself it never really was and never will be.
I guess I’m just hoping that having some understanding and feeling like I can better make sense of everything will give more closure and peace to accomplish that.
Which helps you by getting me to more be able to leave you to your journey and stop being such an unwanted nuisance to you.