Way back when, I had an image that was the main image on here, and my main profile image. Sometimes it’s the one that still shows up in some places.
This one. (Can’t get the larger one from my website to show here for some reason…. will keep playing with it…)
When this page was still new and on another site, it was frequently a lot of tears over old issues.
The picture was a visual analogy.
The red drop being blood…. from pain and hurts.
The blue drop being a tear… from the crying done in the process of dealing with the hurt.
And when the tears were enough to be equal to the blood… they could form a whole heart, even when the world seemed upside down.
I’m not sure why I stopped using it. I think it had just gradually changed from being more old tears to being more of a mix to mostly being more reflective with just a bit of tears mixed in.
But there sure has been a ton of tears on here recently… many new, but also many old fueling the fire.
Lately, it seems like I’ve shed more tears in a week than in the rest of my life combined…. but it still can’t keep up with the bloodflow.
It’s crept back in this week… the hurting… getting stronger and stronger.
Today and tonight have been filled with tears trying to keep up.
Some days, I just know I’m a mess. This has been one.
They used to be pretty few and far between…. but not so much anymore.
I long for the simple, happy days to come back.
I miss my break into the land of the loved.
Miss having my prince by my side in my heart, even when my life made it hard to see each other as much as we would have liked.
I’m trying to figure out how to get back to what stability and relative calm looked like before he entered my world… but I know that the past is the past, and will never be again.
I wish I could fast forward to the future and see what it looked like there to have a hint as to how to fix the present.
But I can’t do that either.
Right now, it’s just tonight…
Just me… feeling really profoundly alone… surrounded by a life full of mess and puddles of both blood and tears failing to connect with each other.
I know there’s a purpose… a plan… a reason… work that needs done.
I know eventually there will be a time I will say this was needed.
But right now, all I can say is this hurts.
Once upon a time, when I was 21, there was a night that felt like this. Very alone. Very much like things were a mess, for entirely different reasons.
I remember sitting at my desk… watching some candles burn.
I unfolded a paper clip… putting the end into the flame, then making indentions with it on the lip of the candle to watch the wax flow down the side in streams like the tears.
At some point, I bent the end into the shape of a heart…. and began to make heart impressions melted into the side of the candles.
And I’m not sure exactly what struck me… but feeling very unloved by human love… I let the heart sit in the flame until the end I was holding was getting to hot to hold…
And in the only instance of self-inflicted physical harm I’ve ever done, I pressed the hot heart into my wrist. And then I repeated it over the same spot. Twice.
To this day, there is still a branding scar on the inside of my left wrist.. just small enough to have been covered by a bandaid at the time.
You can’t really see it most of the time, I can’t even get a picture of it. The light has to be just at an angle to notice it, so few people do.
I used to say way back when that I was going to get the blood and tear drops tattooed on it… just inside the borders of the branding.
When this has all settled, I think it’s going to be time to make good on that.