Alone x 3

There are three big stories that I rarely tell anyone.

A few others are bad… but that at least some people close to me know… I’ve told the move story here, and the story of my graduations, some of the stories with Boo’s dad, some of the stories of the rebellious phase, and even the story of my heart scar last night.

But these three are bigger than I think most people who know me realize.

While they don’t quite have the painful punch with me anymore that they used to, they do still have one.

But that’s not the reason I don’t tell them.

Nor is the fact that my family does see themselves as supportive, based on minor places of support. Picking someone up who has a flat tire counters not being there for them when they needed you emotionally.

I don’t tell the stories, even to people who know me well, because they seriously make other people uncomfortable.

Even the prince had only heard one of the three… and that was only because it had become a need to know basis.

These are the stories that nobody really knows how to respond to… because they shouldn’t happen. To me, or anyone. This isn’t the way people should treat each other, and everyone knows this.

But the result of not telling… is that nobody really knows the depth of what runs beneath the surface.

Most who know me well know something is there… but few really get the cold, harsh truth of it.

This makes a place where sometimes, they will never really be able to understand why I’m feeling as I do.

They will tell me I’m not alone… not meaning that I have God, but meaning that I underestimate my family.

I want to tell them the true depth of these stories.

But I don’t.

My feeling like they understand is generally worth less to me than the risk of making them feel weird…. making them feel things that are very uncomfortable when they have the option not to be.

But right now… while I’m feeling so disconnected and feeling the effects of the family issues… I think that I need to tell them.

I’ve never actually put a trigger warning on the top of posts before, even though sometimes I probably should have… but I will do so on these.

And I may not tell all three just yet.

But just know that they may well bring some uncomfortable feelings… and that you are welcome to not read them.


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