From the earliest days of counseling under “family of origin issues”, it’s always been somewhat under the whole “recovery” style model of thinking.
If you remember, the saddest thing about the last three posts, is my mom was my more reliable parent.
So a lot of the earlier stuff was build under the ACA framework of things.
Namely, this means the advice is to learn to build your own family.
To choose a wider range people who are able to give you some part of what you need, and ask them to do so.
Maybe you get parenting advice from a lady from church, learn to cook from an aunt, learn to sew from a neighbor, lean on one friend for support on one sort of issue she is wise about, and a different one on a completely different topic. A male mentor for a fatherly advice time, a older female for a more grandmotherly chat time, one closer to your own age to chat like sisters.
You create your own support network…. by figuring out who can supply what you are most looking for… and by keeping the network wide and spread out over many people as to not overly burden anyone in particular.
This does mostly work.
It does generally get you a lot further than looking to people who aren’t able to do so, for various reasons.
But, there are just sometimes…. that it’s just not the same.
It’s just not the same as having the strong connection to a small group of people, with whom you’ve shared your life. As having those deep places of reliability of knowing you can count on them. It’s just really very different, even if it does help fill in the gaps.
And with me, many times, there’s not the same feeling that someone really loves you, but just that they like you, or tolerate you, or have pity on you…. and sometimes you get the feeling like they probably find you as a burden anyway.
Sometimes when it comes down to it, it’s just not the greatest replacement.
It just doesn’t have the same depth to it.
The reading on abandonment takes a very different framework.
It’s stance, is to realize that you are a mature adult, fully capable of meeting your own critical needs and taking care of yourself.
Emotional needs in the framework are more of wants. They are something that you can comfort yourself to meet yourself.
It does also mostly work, as well.
It’s a stronger stance…. a place of more power and control over your own outcomes.
It’s honestly a bit more my style most of the time, given my independent streak.
But again, it’s just not the same as really having someone in your life who really deeply cares about you. And/or looks out for you. And/or nurtures you. And/or can be relied on to have your back, to be on your team.
Yes, it’s very good to be able to comfort yourself… but it’s really on no emotional level the same as having a shoulder to cry on, a physical hand to rub your back.
They both work to some extent… and both have strengths… but it’s just not the same.
I miss my human.
I’m not even sure that it even matters anymore whether or not he was just faking being in love.
It felt close enough to me… and had the same effect. If he was just using me, then I considered that to be a more than fair trade for something I don’t really have a replacement for, and am feeling the absence of.
I just wish that he still did.