Do I think Prince Charming is replaceable?
That’s sort of the question that has come to the foreground… the one on which other emotions follow.
Originally no, I didn’t feel like he was. At all.
Nor did I have the slightest desire to do so even if he was.
As I came to realize the other factors at play, that changed to a yes. He was something that was good for me emotionally until the breakup, but he was still an interchangeable part.
As such, it was possible to find a "new and upgraded model with more of the issues worked out already" as one of my friends put it.
As such, beginning to look at "new models", to start considering new options and deciding on what features were required… did made logical sense, even knowing there was still work to be done on repairs to the machine before replacing the part.
What I found was that the new models lacked key features. Less bugs in them, yes, on the surface anyway… but just not the same fit and response.
And that brings me back to previous "part" shopping. And remembering that was pretty much the way things had gone until I’d decided that was all that was out there.
Had you asked me before I got involved with the prince, whether or not I thought someone would ever fit the order just right, I’d have said no. I’d long since written that off.
But he did exist. And he did find his way into my life.
Via a job that neither of us actually stayed at long, and that will be a pretty insignificant glip of mismatched skills in either of our work lives.
So now again I’m at the question… do I believe another model exists? Or even a better model?
I’m sure it probably does, somewhere.
But do I believe it will come into my life, be available to me when it does, and more the critical issue.. choose to want to be a part of my life?
But, I was wrong before. I may well be wrong on that now.
Do I assume the "no" to be correct, and thus work on returning to closing my heart’s doors, and assume as I originally did that this phase in my life was an exception?
Or do I work on repairing damage with the intent of leaving doors open to the future possibilities, expecting there to be a replacement given eventually?
I’m not sure I can entirely explain the difference that it makes in the approach, but it does make a different approach.
One is reinforcing a brick wall that holds well but is not intended to be moved, and will take effort to do so at a later point…. where the other is focusing on temporary door locks… less secure, requiring more guarded attention and continued work to keep clear of debris to keep accessible.
If the prince were interested in friendship, it would make a different approach to him as well… but right now, he gives no indication that he ever will be, making that part a moot point.
I don’t really believe that he’s someone who can be replaced. I will probably always wish I had him still in his place in my life, but I can’t change that he’s chosen to no longer be connected at all.
It just feels like that gap left there will never be replaced… so it’s tempting to just start slapping down concrete to close it off, to make the hurt ease faster.
But I don’t want to do so if it’s just going to be a wall that will take greater effort to remove if a replacement part does exist and happen to have an interest in being there.
How much hope do I need to justify leaving it open anyway and realizing the effort will be much more ongoing?