I feel like it is worth noting that for a more complete view, you may wish to consider the more current reflections in the balance.
End edit notes.
This is one of those posts where I’m never sure whether to be detailed and keep it private for my own future reading, or to try and keep vague enough as to respect the privacy of others, which allows more of you to really understand what’s going on in my life and in my head.
I think I’m going attempt the latter.
So, the 16 page recap that was mentioned yesterday was also sent to a friend of mine who already knew most of the story. And she told me that I was painting Prince Charming too much as the poor victim in it, and myself too much as the emotional nutcase.
Which, is about how I was feeling writing it, so it may be true.
I kept things vague yesterday, but I think it’s worth getting more specific on here. It’s not like I don’t mention some of my issues on the “about me” page upfront.
The new support person that I was getting up to speed was due to a change in programs… and is a mental health professional… a licensed clinical psychologist with a phd, a private practice, and years of dealing with much deeper issues than the previous program, which was more of a general counseling program.
I didn’t actually change for that reason, I changed because this program is a better match for me in a practical way… but none the less, it still brought a change to a more expert perspective.
So, yesterday afternoon, I got my reply. I was sort of scared to find out what he said.
But, it actually at one point made me laugh.
He didn’t do as I had done, and focus entirely on my side of things.
The first thing he did was give a disclaimer that of course he’s never met the prince or done any sort of a formal evaluation…. sort of a standard disclaimer…
But then, he proceeded to tell me that the first thing he felt he needed to address in the situation is that the prince has multiple issues…. beyond just the one that he has now been open with me about (but only after the 6 week point in things.) That his actions wouldn’t be explained by that one alone.
He told me one that he seemed to be pretty sure about… but he also told me of another larger issue that he feels is “strongly suggested” by some of his behavior that may be what is actually driving the smaller one.
This should probably be a very sad, if not tragic statement… but, it actually stuck me as a bit funny.
Because the smaller issue is actually something that my mother has been saying was what was going on since way back just after Christmas… and that I’d pretty much blown off as just her being dramatic at the time… but had actually discussed during this mess with a friend of his, with both of us saying their may be truth to it.
So, it wasn’t exactly news… it was just surprising to me that a trained professional picked up the same thing even when the information he was given wasn’t specifically that direction. (I could have made a case for it with other incidents… but I was focusing on my own being a mess, and most of the information about him was just to show what was going on at the time… so it wasn’t like I was trying to make that point.)
But, the even more interesting thing… is that the larger issue, some of the things pointing towards it actually dated back to the very beginning of our dating.
So… before getting into my current feelings and thoughts, he also addressed the relationship.
He did point blank tell me that it’s not wrong to love someone in spite of their having multiple challenges in life to overcome, and that he knows it doesn’t help the longing right now, but that someday I will look back as having been saved greater pain and heartache. Which I know.
As many have told me, he did say that the current rollercoaster is likely to continue if a relationship were to continue with him.
But, he went with a different angle on it.
He pointed out that my rollercoaster of emotions is reactive to his rollercoaster. Ok, no arguments there.
But… where the rollercoaster is so very different from my regular life… and so much had me feeling that I want my normal back…
He pointed out that this rollercoaster is likely day-to-day normal life struggle for the prince emotionally. That the prince was right in telling me that this will likely never go away for him.
I’m feeling it right now as a result of the emotional attachment to him. His isn’t connected to me, his doesn’t have a clear beginning and a clear source…. this is probably what he has to struggle with every day just as a normal life for him, even in the times that he’s been better able to contain it and show it less.
It’s that part that’s been really going through my mind.
There are honestly a lot of my own actions through this that aren’t normal responses for me… that seem very odd to me even knowing my thought process at the time.
Even when mine is just a reactive rollercoaster.
I suppose that explains a lot more on why it’s so hard making sense of some of his comments and actions during this as well to realize his is probably a great deal worse.
He did also mention that if the prince is honestly in therapy, which I do believe him on that, and being honest with the therapist… that both of the issues he mentioned should have come to the light pretty quickly.
I find myself wondering if they already had… given that even my mom was calling one of them… but that he chose only to tell me of the more acceptable one of the three…. the one that had a clear cause. Which I can understand… even the one he was open about is a struggle on its own.
But the sad thing of that possibility is… had he told me… I’d have still wanted to be there for him just the same. Still wanted to wrap my arms around him and walk through it with him just the same even knowing there would likely always be a battle in his world.
And the knowing that there was a reason why things weren’t always making sense…. would have helped a lot with accepting that and not trying to force them to make sense, but just accepting them as his reality in that moment.
I find myself wanting to be able to just hold him… to run my fingers through his hair… and gently tell him that he’s still awesome. Regardless of his issues. Regardless of his battles. He’s still awesome, and I still believe in him. I still believe that there are great things in the future for him just as much as I did before realizing some of the things he was dealing with. To tell him he is still loved. That it changes nothing except in bringing greater understanding and compassion to him when he’s in places that don’t make much sense.
I know that I will likely never get to do so.
I don’t know if it would help anyway.
But I wish that he knew.