Today has been one of those rough days where I’ve needed to cry all day, but had to function at work. Never works well… end up being just on the verge of tears off and on all day, and on edge.
There’s a couple of things adding into it… which aren’t really things I feel like going into publicly.
But mostly, it’s a culmination of a lot of the things I’ve written about recently ganging up on me.
The feeling of disconnection.
The feeling like the vast majority of the people in my life wouldn’t miss me beyond what I do for them if I suddenly were to be pulled out of their lives without any sort of tragedy involved.
The feeling like most of my friends are far more important in my life than I am in theirs.
The feeling like I’m pretty much alone and on my own.
The feeling like I’m unloveable on a human basis.
The ache of missing the way the prince made me feel loved and valued even with all of his own issues that he was struggling against and trying to keep hidden.
The feeling of just wanting to be there for him and the hurt of having him not wanting me in his life at all, paired with the hurt of feeling like when I was most struggling with issues, nobody took me seriously or ever wanted to be there for me.
Most of this is all old news… old stuff… stuff I’ve worked through before… but it’s ganging up on me anew.
There is such a large part of me that wants to start grabbing for bricks and concrete…. to just wall myself off from the world. To just realize that there is never another human that’s going to deeply and truly care about me, and so, to stop letting myself care about them. To just write off everyone… to just give up hope completely… deciding that I’ll offer to them only to that level at which they offer to me, and realize in so doing that I’m essentially ending a whole lot of my relationships. To just say that if they have little concern for me, then I owe them just as little concern, and know that it won’t even matter likely because they tend to have tons of people in their lives…. they all have family who cherish them.
So many of my friendships it feels like I’m the one paying a dollar to get a dime, but not having sources that will give me any better of an exchange rate.
So it really isn’t helping to have that sort of feeling going on at the same time that I’m feeling like it would be worth everything I had to go back to getting what I really wanted from the prince.
And wanting to kick myself so hard for ever having said a single word to him about the pulling away. Maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference and things would have exploded anyway, but maybe if I’d been happier then with what I would be thrilled with now… rather than being focused on the sudden unexplained drop in levels… maybe we would have been able to make it through it enough to make it where he’d at least want to try before writing me off.
But… I know… building that wall isn’t going to help.
It might make me feel better now… but it isn’t going to fix anything. It will only make the disconnected feeling that much worse.
I know the answer is in building a different type of connection than the ones I currently have. Finding friendships that are more of an even split and that feel the same about me as I do about them… that value my being in their lives.
How to do that, I have no idea. If I did, I’d have done it with my current friends.
And sort of makes me feel like maybe they are right and I just don’t have that much to offer to anyone. Like maybe the fact that I do care about them really does’t mean much of anything… maybe the prince is right that it isn’t worth a place in his life at all, and I ought to be grateful they at least somewhat claim me and haven’t done the same.
Because if I were really worth much as a friend, I wouldn’t be the one always doing the calling… always doing the bending to work with their lives… always being the one who cares about what is going on in their worlds when they don’t seem to care much what’s happening in mine.
Maybe I’m just too screwed up for human relationships in general.
I still find myself wanting to just cry to god, asking for one human with their setting set just specifically weird enough to deeply and truly love me. I rather liked the human I had and the connection we had… but since I wasn’t able to be to him what he was to me… I just want one. If a different one actually exists, I’d be ok with that.
But when I do so, I always feel selfish and whiny and weak and pathetic.
I feel like the nation of isreal begging for a human king even when they were warned of what would happen if they got one. They were told there would be big problems… but they wanted one anyway.
I know it’s not exactly the same thing.
I know the need to feel loved and cared about is a basic human need… something that in an ideal world everyone ought to have without having to beg and plead for it.
But it still feels selfish and needy to be asking for it.
And honestly, so does going back to asking for friends again.
It feels like I’m asking for something huge and impossible… the 4 year old living in poverty wanting a pony for her birthday.
It shouldn’t be that way.
But then, life shouldn’t be this way.
I know god sorts all things out in the end… but still…
This just sucks.
It just does.
It sucks and it hurts.
And I’m going to bed… and seriously hoping tomorrow is a better day.