So, that gave me a bit more in the way of answers… or at least a reason why looking for answers was just going to be an exercise in frustration.
But it’s sort of highlighted a bit more that part of me really just wants to ask god "why?".
Even when I know that there is some good that has come of it on my side…. and I know there will be a plan and a purpose…. and I know that when you look at things logically, it looks like a favor from heaven to get me out of harms way.
I know these things.
But part of me still just wants to ask why.
Why let me get a taste of what it felt like to be loved, just to take it back away from me?
Why let me feel exactly what it was that I’d been missing… what it was I’d learned to live without and to have accepted as my life to not have… if I was just going to have to let go of it and hurt so much worse for knowing what it felt like to have held it in my hands?
Why heal the blind for 6 months, only to return them to darkness after they’ve adjusted and gotten used to living by sight instead of by feel?
Why take that which I’d wanted most…. but that I’d surrendered all through the "everyone is getting married" phase and the "everyone is having babies" phase… and seem to take the perfect version that I’d never been able to find on my own, wrap it up like a gift, and let me cherish and enjoy it so much… just to have to return it again?
Why take a starving kid who was getting by on just the essentially for so long… let her get used to having her tummy full of just what she could never have and was always dreaming of before, and then go back to beans and rice abruptly?
I can’t help but think back and remember how happy I was.
I look back at times that I know were really tough… working 65 hours a week and still trying to keep everything together… and read a post from just before new years about how much it felt like I was getting to rest from the weariness…. getting to have my head above water without having to struggle… able to just breathe and let the sun warm my body…. and know how much that’s exactly how it felt emotionally.
And I read to the end of the post… to my dread of returning to the water, and I want to go "why did you make me? and why through a very rough and unexpected shove rather than letting me get prepared and get used to it gradually?"
I remember waking up the morning after out first official date… feeling so loved and having been held and cuddled and kissed to my hearts content the night before… and I remember that the only thing that came to my mind to pray the next morning was just "thank you… thank you" over and over… and I want to blame myself, wondering "did i not thank you enough for him? did I not appreciate him enough? did i not realize he was a gift from you that i could have never found myself enough?"
Did I not love him enough? did i love him too much? did i not try hard enough?
What did I screw up enough that was so awful that it was worth taking him away over?
I’d gone through so much with my family’s issues… I could have survived his too and would have willingly done so if i’d have gotten to keep him.
why let me feel the gentle, sweet kisses to the top of my head… the sweet innocent affection that shot straight to the thirsty heart of a lonely child…. if only to let the desert have the territory back again?
I know the logical reasons…. but theres still an emotional cry.
I get that he has major issues…. he can’t handle a relationship… but.. it’s not like these are things that suddenly developed in him. it’s not like they didnt exist in him while we were dating too. it’s not like they werent there when my heart was getting fed and then suddenly arrived as the reason it had to stop.
i like the phrase one of my friends used at one point.. telling me "you are about as high maintenance as a goldfish." when he’d said he needed to focus his attention on his job and his boys. i’m someone who hasnt had much… who thrives on independence… i didnt need much. i loved getting the emotional support, but really, all i needed from him was to feel loved, to feel like i mattered to him, and his presence…. and he was absolutely nailing all three of those, issues and all.
i have no illusions about the fact that things would have been messy at times, would have been rough at times, would have been dark at times, and won’t have been as stable and calm all of the time as they had been for most of our relationship.
but why couldnt i have gotten to keep my being loved and walked through it with the guy i’d do about anything for?
it’s not like i havent walked through the dark times of having issues myself, all alone… i’ve been there. i’ve done that. why not let me help him with the love i would have given anything to have when i was in those times?
i’m crazy enough to have been eager to do so… why not just let me?
ive had to let go of so many things that seem unfair…. so many things it seems like i’ve gotten the field stacked against me… had so many things that i;ve worked so hard for turn into dust instead of materialized dreams…
why could i not just get to keep one without having to let go of it again? just one?
he felt so much like everything ive ever wanted, given to me with a yes that i couldnt believe i was actually getting to hear… a happiness that was finally mine to feel without having to dig for the good things and focus and focus to make them into something…. a healing of a lifetime of hurt with every time he willingly held my hand and with every time the sound of his voice alone made my heart melt….
why did i have to just completely have it taken away from me? i was ok with the costs of keeping it being some possibly very hard times… i wanted to have it anyway! it was priceless to me… even if nobody else wants it… nobody else saw it…. and nobody else understands why I would want the messiness.
It was mine… finally my chance to have my time… but only for just a brief moment. Just enough to awaken a long dead craving.
I know god has a purpose. i know he’s more interested in my well being in the overall picture of things than he is in my momentary happiness.
But can;t the two please be the same thing for a while? Do they always have to be opposites?
i dont ask for the world. i dont ask for power, popularity, or wealth. i walk as trustingly as i can through times when i have no idea how the bills will be paid, times when what seemed to be what i was supposed to do turned into a seemingly dead end… many rounds of getting the short end of the stick on things… and it seems like rough time after rough time in recent years.
is asking to get to keep one comfort for the journey, realizing that it comes with costs and willing to pay them, really something that cant have been worked into the plan?
i still wouldnt have given up the joy knowing how much the pain was going to suck afterwards.
but it still hurts to give up and let go, yet again.