So, I’ve been thinking about the last emotional spell, from sitting calmly on the other side of it.
Always so much easier to see things in it when you are calm and it’s in the past. Part of why I like having blog documentation of some of the messier things.
And what I came to notice…. was the two topics. The two emotional needs… the two ways I was really hurting.
One, was that I needed to feel more like I mattered to someone…. that someone would miss me not being in their life.
The other was the need to feel like someone really deeply cared about me.
The two are similar…. but, the biggest way I can tell them apart, is that the first one was what kept me in the friendship with the prince when I saw the first signs of his depressed side, even before the love and caring factor was anywhere in play.
That was what I was getting out of the relationship…. those two factors.
I can meet a whole lot of my own needs by myself and through less deep friendships and mentors and the like. It’s something I’ve learned to do since I was young, given my background. I don’t need him or really any other deep relationship to fulfill the vast majority of my emotional needs.
But those two… are ones that just can’t be fulfilled that way. You can’t just re-parent yourself through those.
Those are two player needs. One’s that I’d once written off as never going to be fulfilled and gotten used to the hole…. only to spend 6 months completely having it filled and never really stopping to fear that someday it would be back open and hungry from being used to getting regularly fed.
I still don’t know what to do about them just yet, but I’m aware of it…. that’s a step in the right direction.
But, you know what the really interesting thing was?
Remember the meeting, way way back just after a month into this? The one where I went into it having been told he didn’t ever love me, only to have him change course and tell me he was ok with a lower level relationship?
I vividly remember one part of the conversation.
I remember telling him point blank "I know that you did deeply care about me," To which he replied "I do care about you", and then I told him "I know that I was important to you", to which he replied "You are important to me" (present tense.. part of why I remember it so well was analyzing that later…)
Then I told him "That’s what I need from you. It may not be what you’d label ‘love’ right now, but it’s in the ballpark. That’s close enough for me. If we were planning to go to the alter, it would be different, but right now, that’s enough." (From there, he sort of flipped out about my mention of marriage… so it totally took a different turn, and I’d regretted mentioning it at all… so that was the end of that topic)
Way back then, I’d actually directly told him exactly what I was getting from the relationship and what I wanted from him again…. and yet, never actually stopped and noticed that I even knew what it was that I was needing critically yet. I just knew I was seriously hurting, in agony, and that I wanted him back more than anything in the world.
4 months later… I’m just now figuring it out and getting back to that and looking at how to fix it.
Sort of weird how you don;t even realize sometimes that you knew something already without really knowing it.