So, I’ve been doing a lot of reading and thinking the past couple of days, in a couple of different directions.
Part of what I’m reading is about the issue the therapist said was "strongly suggested" by the prince’s actions both during and after the relationship.
Some of it seems to fit like a glove… other parts of it don’t seem to fit at all.
So the more I read on the informational aspects, then more I really wasn’t all that sure what I thought about it.
Coupled with the fact that it struck me as odd that the therapist would go there. In all of my rounds of family of origin stuff, and of battling trust issues, every therapist has always been of the stance that what the other person does or doesn’t do isn’t their concern or even yours, and so they generally never really say that sort of thing. I’d written my account of what happened with that in mind… only mentioning what was going on with him when it explained how I was reacting or why.
So… it was kind of a maybe thing in my mind… but become less of a yes as I read.
Then, I found a certain mainly informational site that has a message board area. I’m not even sure how I found the area, as it wasn’t well marked when I went back to the main page.
In that message board, was an area for people dealing with being in a relationship with someone struggling with this issue.
And there… I found a certain thread.
Titled "I don’t want to hurt you".
I clicked into it…. and there, to my shock, was my story with the prince…. told by a number of different people as being their story.
this whole thread covered the insistent "i would never hurt you" conversation with him… not long before he did so.
the lack of connection that his actions are going to do so until after they’ve already done the harm, and the feeling awful about it afterwards.
the whole "all i do is hurt people" theme.
the "run from me before i hurt you".
the "i’m dumping you because you deserve better.
the "i’ll always be there for you" all the way up till an abrupt ending.
and the "i cant be (something you dont need them to be at all and never said you did)".. in my case, being an emotional rock and being able to provide financially, neither of which are anywhere on my needs list.
and the concept of splitting… seeing everything as black and white, all good or all bad, so if they dont love you, they hate you and everything you do is bad.
and, in other threads, i read of splitting happening very abruptly… easily within the 4 day span of ours…. and of it being triggered by a new job, by things getting serious, and by a minor correction being given. It had already happened by the time I confronted him about the no call-no show, but the other two are well in play… and the emotional way I reacted in feelings of being rejected could easily have done it even if it hadn’t.
Every one of the posts in that thread was telling our story… in one part or another.
I had a pretty big grain of salt on before i started reading the forum… but this thread just about nailed so many of the weird contrasts…. so many of the things that I couldn’t wrap my head around understanding.
I still don’t understand it.
But, at the very least… I know that I’m not the only one who has dealt with the baffling. I’ve found a tribe.
And, honestly, there is still only about 1/3 of the traits of the issue that I’ve ever seen from him. And about 1/3 of them don’t really fit him at all that I know of.
The other 1/3 I’ve heard about… and know that he’s had issues with previously…. and I still feel like he’s trying to protect me from seeing that side of him. He could have very easily shown several of them during the past 4 months, but he hasn’t. I’m the only one who has just completely lost control over myself emotionally and made myself look (and feel) awful and mean.
I’m not sure whether to take that as a sign of caring…. that he really doesn’t want to hurt me… or as a sign of fearing I would run away from him if he did show me those sides (even though I’d been ok with them when he’d discussed them. It’s not like I wasn’t aware the issues existed previously on this group.)
But, even with only the partial match…. the part that does match is so exact between my story and theirs that I feel like I have my explanation.
I have my answer on why it doesn’t make sense… and realize there’s a really good chance that it makes just as little sense to him.
I have the puzzle piece that I kept looking for and being upset that it was missing.
I’ve very glad for that.