A decision that may never matter

As I mentioned yesterday, I’ve been doing a whole lot of reading this week…. and especially in a particular support group forum.

Besides just being eerily exact in some places of our post-breakup story…. I really like the site for another reason.

When you first go in, there is a split… and there’s a particular area just for people who are dealing with a significant other that has this diagnosis, whether or not they are still together.

For the ones no longer together, there are boards for things like dealing with custody and legal issues and working with them as a coparent.

But for the ones who are still dealing with them as a current issue…. they have three different boards.

One is for those who have the goal of making the relationship work.
One is for those who have the goal of ending the relationship or of dealing with the aftermath of doing so.
And one is for those who are still deciding what they are going to do and what their intentions are.

This… is brilliant.

Because there is a lot of people who are on all three boards… and it does let your choice of home board be listed under your name so people know where you are at…

But the people know, upfront, that if you are posting on the board for ending things, that you probably do not want to be encouraged to just tough it out.

Likewise, if you are on the working on things board, they know that you have made the decision to stick with this person, and know that you want to be helped in that direction.

If you are on the don’t know board, they know you probably want pros and cons, experience and opinions from both sides to help you make that determination.

That’s not to say that people don’t change their minds… but it gives a guideline as to what you want from support.

This would have been so amazing to have a way to have done with friends during this whole mess. To have some way to indicate without creating any conflict that right now, I want support towards hoping he will return. Then later, that I wanted support towards letting go.

But, they honestly really need a fourth board…. one for "I’m all in towards repair, but they are all in towards running, so I’m sort of forced into the dealing with ending category when I don’t want to be."

Because… it’s actually a story repeated many many times on the boards.

Most of them got further along than ours did though… most of them, the "split" from being all good in the person’s eyes to being all bad had already happened and been a conflict before the end came.

I’m not sure if I’m glad that the prince protected me from that, or if it would have actually been better because then I’d have had more warning there was a problem at all.

But then, his hating me starting earlier would have probably just trigged my issues faster instead of giving me the time to detach and dislike him that I like to dream that it would have given me.

But, anyway, I’ve been reading on all three boards.

At this same time, the psychologist I’d been speaking with has sort of not too discretely hinted that I’m better off on the ending side… mentioning that he thinks I’m further along in letting go than I really think that I am, and that given that the "acute pain" stage has passed, that it will probably just take time, but that the healing will happen as it needs to.

So, I started off mostly in that section.

But the more I read there… while the people know the pain, I just really find myself wanting to push away from there.

The working on the relationship side is… well…. sobering.

These people know the pain just as well. Many of them have had repeated breakups and makeups with the same person… and mine isn’t the only one that’s had some of them last only for a day and a half before being dumped again, or had them be saying they were ok to resume (as friends in my case), only to actually flip right back into the silent treatment and/or answers that say exactly otherwise between the lines.

The undecided board is a tough read. A lot of the people are so torn between their love and their own interests and well being…. especially some of them who are dealing with areas that the prince hasn’t yet shown me.

And so, I’m left knowing that I probably got off very lucky. As many people have said, I probably dodged a deadly bullet, and he probably did me a favor.

But the more the past few days have gone on…. the more I realize that my heart is really with the people on the side of doing all they can to make things work in spite of the challenges.

As was in the background that I couldn’t fight off entirely in my spell of trying to push him away…. and as has risen back to the surface in a rough way since he got his heart hurt by the rejection…. I do love the man.

I have my eyes very much open to the fact that the people staying with their partners are walking a very rough road… and many of them have walked it with ups and downs for decades.

But that is where my heart is right now, even as I know it would be a hard decision that wouldn’t seem to make a lot of sense logically.

Of course…. given the situation, my opinion on the matter is completely irrelevant… the prince has decided he doesn’t want to be with me, and so I’m sort of forced into the place of having to let go and deal with the leaving aspects no matter what my heart thinks.

But oh, to have a time machine.

As the phrase goes… if I knew then, what I know now….

If only I’d had this board and this information…. if only I’d known what I was dealing with…

There are so many things that I would have done completely differently. Totally different approaches to things that make sense when explained using the knowledge of the issue, but that are completely not the route that I took assuming things to have been on a mostly healthy field of play.

Maybe it wouldn’t have mattered in the end anyway. If it wasn’t meant to be, then it wasn’t… and if it was, it would have survived anyway.

And, if the prince has even been told or otherwise stumbled across the idea of this issue being in play, I can completely understand why he wouldn’t want me to know about it. It’s the sort of thing you would fear judgement for having, the sort of thing you’d always wondering if people would think less of you or treat you differently.

And honestly, he didn’t know a whole lot of the details of my past struggles for that same reason. I got so tired of having it thrown in my face by certain people every time I had a very valid issue that they didn’t happen to like.

He did know some of the basics…. that I’d been on meds before…. that I’d had some issues with anxiety attacks that were messing me up in college….

But he didn’t know the darkest places.

I think that I would have changed that too.

There’s not much that I can do about anything now though, but just try and understand… try and heal the still hurting spots… and just pray over both of us.

But I’ve sort of realized that the door that was open, then closed, then uncertain…. has crept open on me.

Even knowing much more about the extent of the mess than I did previously.

It still doesn’t matter at all.. his door is still closed anyway.

But good to know.

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