I wasn’t going to post this…. but I’m not sure why not anymore. It’s not like there is really anything all that secret from what’s already been said.
For that matter, most of the email is stuff that’s already been said to him too…. but at least I got to do a recap. I got to say goodbye.
I’m still very sad, but
I will explain the "why" of the email in another post…. probably in the morning.
You are very welcome on the cubcakes. It has to be annoying having your birthday fall on the holiday this year, and still not getting the day off! So at least ya get some snacks, and a reminder that you are cared about. 🙂
I will try my best on keeping at a distance.
I know I haven’t done very well at giving you space when you’ve asked for it, and I’m sorry about that. The emotional mess that I was early on has passed, so hopefully things will go better with it, but it’s still hard, as it’s exactly the opposite of what my heart tells me to do… which is to pull closer to you and love and support you the best that I can under the circumstances. I’m well aware logically that it generally makes you frustrated and/or mad and doesn’t help at all… but it’s sometimes harder to win the logic vs emotion fight than I wish it was.
My heart still keeps telling me that what we had is worth fighting for, still feels like if we could just talk it out and be really honest that somehow there would have to be someway to fix things. Again, I know on the logical side that with the battles you’ve got going on inside that it’s far more complicated, and something that would require more work than that, and something that would always need ongoing attention.
But the impulse is still just to try to fix each of the reasons that’s been given…
To try and take things at a non-exclusive level to relieve worries of things going to fast.
To reassure you that mixed feelings are totally normal and not a dealbreaker.
To reassure you that I don’t need you to be an emotional rock for me, and that the only two emotional needs I can’t meet by other means are still the two that I mentioned at the meeting a month into this (to know that you care about me, and to know that I am important in your life), that those are the only things I need from you in a relationship and that you completely nailed both of those all through the relationship in a way that nobody else ever has in my life, even with all of your stuff working against you on that.
To remind you that most of the time, I’ve got a tough armor from dealing with my family, and that even if you do still hurt me in spite of your current attempts to protect me, that I’ll still be ok and still love you.
To cool things off a bit but try to keep going at a less emotional level while things are still heavy for you on the other things (yes, even when I know you are wanting other relationships through it but just not ours).
To commit to make an intentional and deliberate effort on fixing each of the other issues that have been mentioned before deciding that they are terminal dealbreakers that can’t be worked with.
But again, I know logically that if we aren’t on the same page on that goal, it wouldn’t actually change much anyway. As I’ve said before, I’d walk with you through whatever comes your way… even knowing that the struggles you face are going to make it a rough road that might not really see days that would be called smooth… and having been through crap all my life both with my family and having fought my own battles, I’m not at all scared or hesitant to do so, as I know how to swim even when ships are sinking. But if you don’t want me there, I have no idea how to try to persuade you otherwise.
I know that I will never completely understand all that you are fighting, and how hard it has to be fighting the confusion on your level if it feels so hard to make sense of even at my level, or be able to really get all of the reasons why.
But I hope that you do believe me when I tell you that the hurt caused is truly forgiven and that I hope you forgive yourself as well, that I know you were making what you felt was the best decision to be making at the time even if it had some rough consequences, that the vast majority of it was an unfortunate direct hit on my long-dormant rejection trigger button and not your fault or anything you could have predicted, and that really, even the hurt that was caused by you was really only because you’d been doing so much in making me feel happy and loved before that point that losing that amazing gift was very deeply felt. Especially when I don’t think it had every actually crossed my mind that we might not always be together.
I do still think that you are just as awesome as I did before all of this… and actually even more so knowing even just a small part of what you were going through, to still be showing that awesomeness through it.
And I do still love you. Even as I apologize for the actions that sometimes come out of that in a really misguided way.
And I’m sorry that I guess I wasn’t able to be everything to you that you were to me.
I do want you to be that happy though… and I hope that you do find it.
Actually, that’s part of what makes the giving you space task harder, is knowing that you do hurt, and do sometimes feel very alone, and do sometimes feel like you aren’t wanted, and that you do sometimes feel like you are a failure and a disappointment and aren’t worth the effort … and it makes me want to reach out and at least try to remind you that someone does very much want you and does very much care and very much would like to keep you a bit less alone and that doesn’t find you to be a disappointment or a failure at all… to at least try and bring you a little bit more comfort while you fight the rough battles. (Again, I know logically that this backfires on me… but my heart is apparently stupid on picking up on that.)
And so I hope that she’s able to have more success with doing that for you than I did, and with being able to just be with you and not be trying to make it better as tempting as it is.
I can’t pretend that I’m not jealous of her getting to be with you, but if she makes you happy, I am glad that you have someone and are not feeling like you have to walk alone through times that have got to be hard enough even with close support.
I will try my best to keep from acting out of my feelings for you to help that… even when that is hard to do. But please feel free to contact me if things change on your feelings on the matter at all, as I really do miss having lost your friendship just as much if not even more than I miss having lost the more intimate connections.
I very much cherished having you in my life, and being in yours. As I’ve told you before, in all of my years of heavily dating, there has never been anything that has compared at all to the way that we connected, and it felt like you were the one that had been exactly what I was looking for in every other relationship in my life. My attempt at looking at dating again has actually only reinforced that, answered my question as to whether it was you in particular or just because I’ve grown a lot since then, and very much shown that as of right now, I have absolutely no interest in seeking a replacement nor do I even believe that what was with us is or will ever be replaceable. You will always be the one that I really felt like was my Prince Charming.
(Yeah, that’s probably the last thing I should be telling a guy who was afraid of what could happen if things were getting too serious, huh? LOL Sorry, but true.)
But, I guess I have to accept that if you didn’t feel like I was as much of a special and rare of a find as I feel like you are, or that unique of a connection, then I guess it is what it is regardless of my heart’s opinion on the matter.
I suppose if it was meant to be, it would be… and I guess I just hope that time will either show that to be the case, or show it to not be the case but allow us the ability to have a second chance at trying rather than just making us feel like we made a mistake but have to just settle for the best we can do.
But, life happens, even when it very much sucks.
I hope you always remember, that even when the darkness whispers at you otherwise and throws every crazy thought and hurt-fueled action in your face…
That you are always a very awesome man, a treasure of great worth, and you will always be very much loved.
But, I guess this is goodbye.