From open door to goodbye

This has been one of those weekends where I have to remind myself that god is in control, and that things are unfolding in the master plan the way that they should be.

As mentioned in about 3 or 4 posts now, this week has been a lot of reading… and a lot of it having to do with understanding the challenges faced by the prince.

This has been good. It’s helped a lot with understanding.

It has also kept my mind on him a lot, for better or worse.

Today was his birthday.

As I’d mentioned before, I’d been going back and forth on what to do…. but there’s been a lot of emotional water under the bridge since then.

My heart had softened… I’d come to realize that if he ever did want to come back, that I would be open to it…

And come more to the acceptance that whether or not it means anything at all, I do still love him from a very deep part of my heart.

And so, I decided to make the cupcakes for him that I’d been planning since Valentines, and to write him a card of encouragement… a sweet card of the things I wish I could say to him when he’s in the most down places.

I wasn’t sure on the cupcakes… I’ve had the supplies for months… but I wasn’t sure they would be well received and not just make him mad.

But I also knew that birthdays are kind of rough sometimes when you feel alone. And he’d posted a status on facebook the night before I was going to make them about being tired of feeling alone.

And so I felt like it was the right decision… even with the doubt.

I came home the next night…. and Boo randomly asks me "can we make cupcakes tonight?"

As I said…. the supplies have been in the cabinet for months. She’s never asked about them since the day that I’d bought them. This to me was a confirmation.

I made the cupcakes… and left them at his doorstep when I was up in the middle of the night.

It didn’t actually occur to me that he may well have moved in the past time since we’d really spoken, as he wasn’t happy about some of the situations in the current living arrangement. So I had a moment of panic, and didn’t see his truck right away, which made it worse… but it was there, and all was ok.

It started raining on my way home… which seemed fitting… as I was about in tears again myself wishing I could give them to him personally… to get to tell him happy birthday and see a happy reaction from him.

I expected there to be no response… as there usually hasn’t been from him.

Instead, I got an email… thanking me for them, but telling me that he is in a relationship with someone again, and would like me to keep my distance.

Thus, the email to him.

I can’t say my response was without tears… or that they haven;t been shed even now thinking about it… and I’m not even sure that laying all of my cards out for him to see was the right move.

But, it was from the heart.

I’d give anything to have him back as mine. I want to fight for him, and to try to work things out.

But if I’m the only one wanting those things, and he wants to keep his door closed, then it wouldn’t change anything in the outcome anyway… and so my feelings about him don’t really matter when it comes down to it.

But, if I don’t get to have him back either way, then I do want him to be happy instead of being sad and lonely. If I can’t be the one to make him happy and I can’t be the one who gets to give him support, I still do want him to have that support and that happiness.

And so I said goodbye.

It hurts. I’m not going to say that it doesn’t.

But it’s what he wants.

It’s better for him.

Both of us hurting doesn’t make anything any better, and if I’m still going to be hurting whether or not I let him go…. and whether or not he is hurting…. then I want him to be happy and feel loved.

I will probably always wish it was me that could have given that to him, but I failed to do so… and wasn’t even aware that I was failing him.

And so I gave him my blessing and my honest hopes that he finds what he needs…. even while still aching over the loss of my own happiness.

It’s very hard. And it hurts so deeply.

But it feels like I have no choice but to do so. Wishing him a poor outcome would change nothing either.

I still feel like this is not the way that the story is supposed to end. I still feel like he is my special prince, and he probably always will be in my heart.

But if I’m not his special princess to him… my heart will just have to accept the fact that it is wrong.

Either that, or this will be one of those things where we will be in our elderly years, looking back and realizing that we really made a mistake… that we let go when we shouldn’t have and settled for the best we could do while letting the true love get away.

That’s how it feels on my end anyway.

This doesn’t change the feelings from this week. My door is still open.

And I don’t know that I would have been in this same place to do so even last week…. before the changes in understanding.

Actually, it seems a bit of a cruel twist of fate that right when I’m finally finding out what I could have done differently, and right when he and our relationship have been on my mind greatly while reading… is right when there’s also finally enough peace to really release him and just sit in the ache without holding on hope but also without wanting to force him out of my heart.

It’s yet another weird place I find myself in emotionally.

It hurts so very much, and yet, there is a calm about it. I got to recap my feelings for him. I got to say goodbye. I got to let him know that I do forgive him. There’s more closure there from that fact.

I know the hurting will pass someday.

But it sure wasn’t today.

Today is the day I said goodbye to the hope of feeling loved, knowing I might never see it again in my lifetime.

But if I can’t have it either way… I hope that he does. He needs it probably more than I do.

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