Failures

And so morning comes again.

This morning, my feeling is strongly that I’ve completely failed the prince.

There was some of that yesterday too… it shows a bit in the email to him… but it’s stronger and more the predominant feeling today.

I was happy and feeling well loved.. he seemed to be happy with the relationship, being the one moving things more serious, telling me that I was bringing the good into his life.

I keep playing the what if game. What if I’d dug deeper? If I’d really gotten into a discussion of his feelings when he started moving more quickly instead of just assuming that if he was doing so, he must be comfortable with doing so? Could we have gotten the fear out of the picture before it erupted?

What if I’d been more emotional when he did so, to make sure he felt like I was on the same page?

What if I’d dug more into the depressed spells when he was having them, and figured out that there was more going on that just a passing result of the losses he’s had in the past few years?

I know things would have been helped if I’d been less of an emotional mess when he started pulling away…. If I’d been able to shake off the emotional battles of earlier in the week and approach him ever so gently and lovingly.. but would it have mattered? Would it have changed the eventual outcome? Would it have bought me more time at least to be able to fix things?

What if I’d been less of an emotional disaster after things did hit?

What if I’d been less this way, or less that way, or more of another way? Would it have given him the happiness that he gave me?

If I had done this thing or reacted that way during the last 4 months, would it have brought him back?

I’m looking back…. and I know that I did the best that I could with what I knew at the time.

During the relationship, I loved him deeply, and I acted from that with what I thought was the best course at the time.

After the relationship, yes, I was a disaster. But I really was trying the best I could, even when that was frequently a total failure.

But if only my best had been better.

Or maybe not better… but at least in the right direction.

But even now… I really don’t know what that right direction is.

Everything that I think might be the right route just keeps failing to do anything but make it worse.

Everything.

Whether I give him space well or not… whether I’m kind and loving or letting him see the times I was seriously hurting… whether I’m a mess or whether I’m stable…

I feel like all that I have done is just keep screwing things up.

And there’s part of me that realizes that I’m playing against a very stacked deck and only partially realizing it.

I knew about my issues…. have struggled against my issues in every relationship before.. but then, when given a break from them being such a problem, I forget to keep them in check when they do pop up and blow everything out of whack.

But now knowing more of the extent of what was being battled on his side… that would be a stacked deck to play even on its own.

And I’ve never had a whole lot of luck even battling my own in a relationship before, and those are the ones in my head… let alone keeping an eye on those plus an eye on his that I didn’t even know existed deeper than just a temporary funk.

And I get the feeling like I never even had a shot at being able to pull this off. I’m not even sure I would have had a shot even if one or the other of us had been normal. It certainly wouldn’t have been anywhere near the first time I’d completely botched things up from my screwed up emotional settings of the past even with someone who wasn’t fighting bigger demons.

Maybe I was stupid to even try… and maybe I should have known better… that I should have just stuck with the no dating decision from back in 2006.

But this time felt like I actually had a chance. That it was a gift loving placed in my lap… a chance to get to really connect with someone without my issues being a massive battle… a chance to not have things be so hard and so little rewarding as to make it not worth the struggle. A chance to have exactly what I had always wanted, and to have someone who seemed to actually really understand me… who really wanted to be a team with me towards the same goal and not just playing against each other.

But, even when handed what seemed the perfect chance that I’d never believed I’d actually get in this lifetime…. even when I’d gotten a boost towards the fight, even then, I completely failed.

I failed him, and I failed myself.

I know its just an emotional feeling, and that I’m being too hard on myself. That I did my best, and better people have failed on the battle of loving someone with the prince’s challenges working against them.

But maybe I just need to come to realize that I suck at even the best relationships, and that it’s not a world that I should be walking in.

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