Doors and windows

Once again, I’m back to seriously considering unfriending Prince Charming on facebook.

There are about 4 reasons why, and 4 why not.

Pros for unfriending:

1. It would help me give him the space and distance he has asked for…. by removing a communication means. I can’t be tempted to mess things up by commenting on things, or even liking his posts may even fall under the failure to give space category with him for all I know.

2. It would help me not be pulled towards him emotionally when I know that he is hurting… which helps me not get pulled around as much by the attachments. I do still love him, and it’s harder on me to not be able to reach out to him when I know he is hurting. Especially when he got his heart hurt by the rejection. It does still have more than enough pull to effect me… and last time, really threw off my balance for a bit. This is the biggest thing that is tempting me to do so.

3. It gives me reminders of him. Even when his posts weren’t on my newsfeed, facebook is still bad about suggesting his mom and younger son as people I should add… and giving me ads for things that he has liked… and showing me his posts anyway every time a mutual friend likes or comments. It brings him to mind, which is sometimes a good thing, but also sometimes something that makes missing him worse. But in either case, it does bring him into my mind and into my day.

4. Maybe by still getting a window into my life via the status updates that I do allow him to see, he is still feeling connected enough as to not really miss me much. He’s made comments during two of the times that we have been talking that have told me that he does watch my posts… that he did know how the house stuff was going, etc… so maybe because he has a window, it keeps him from having desire to be willing to consider the wide open door.

Cons for unfriending:

1. I don’t want to signal to him that I am closing things off, when I really want him to know that they are open, that it is safe and that I’m not mad at him and that I don’t have the slightest intentions of rejecting him or running away from him, even when the darkness is showing more than his true colors are. I want him to know that he is welcome, he is missed, he is valued, he isn’t going to be pushed away and I do love him and still trust him emotionally. Even though I do want him to be happy if I can’t make him happy, I still do want him back, and want to not do anything that would in any way imply otherwise. This is probably the biggest reason why I’m leaning against doing so.

2. Closing his window into my world closes my window into his. Granted, he hasn’t posted much about his life… and a lot of times when he does post it’s being silly… but I do very much miss the silliness being in my world. I do miss not knowing how his week is going.. knowing when he needs prayer in a specific direction whether he believes it works right now or not. Sometimes what I see through the window does make me sad and make me want to reach out to him, but sometimes it does also make me smile at a random chuck norris joke. (Yes, this may trigger #3 of the pros… but it is still a point)

3. I know that I will regret it. I will. Maybe I shouldn’t, but at some point soon, I will regret doing so. I can always change my mind again later and unfriend him if I keep him for now, but refriending him is something that likely would not be accepted and that I’d be scared to even request to do so I think. This has been the biggest reason I have decided not to do so previously.

4. It hurts. It hurts it hurts it hurts. It feels so final. It feels like closing the coffin, ending my last look even if the person within is dead. Maybe things are dead and will never again be alive even to friendship, but it’s still a very painful thing to consider, and it feels like since he is the one ending things and closing his door to our relationship, that he should be the one to choose to nail the coffin closed. This is probably a bigger reason than I give it credit for being.

I almost made the call to do so monday night, but was advised by therapist to wait for a couple of days until the emotions settled a bit from the sorrow of the goodbye.

But right now, it feels pretty evenly weighted.

The difference being that the pro’s weigh more to my overall advantage in letting go which is the logical choice and of course can always be changed later if the situation changes, and the con’s weigh more to my benefit in allowing my heart to keep an ember of hope alive, if not even a full blown bonfire at times… which seems to be what it is determined to do even in the spell when I had the most passion in trying to get it to do otherwise.

So, it feels like a battle not over yes or no on facebook, but over which dog I want to feed.

When it really really comes down to it, I am probably better off with keeping my emotions stable and not getting tossed around, which really leans towards deleting him.

But when it really comes down to the dogfight… I don’t think that the letting go dog has really got a chance of ever completely knocking out the hope dog.

Do I cheer for the dog that I don’t think will ever completely be beaten even it maybe should be? Or do I cheer for the dog that is logically the better choice to have win even if I really don’t think it will ever do so?

That’s pretty much the big question in everything right now.

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