I worry about the prince greatly sometimes.
That probably doesn’t surprise most of you.
I try to keep most of his side of stuff off of here… to focus on just the interactions that effect what is happening with me.
That line has gotten pushed out a lot further during this mess from what it would usually be… but there is still so much going on that isn’t fit to be in the public posts here.
Several of which are big enough issues that they alone would be a reason to worry about him greatly.
But, honestly, I’ve worried about him even way back since when he was just a friend…. even just at the level I knew about his life then.
I know, worry does no good…. but it’s still sometimes just sort of nature.
And it’s gotten much much worse through this.
He’s got had some big things going on… including some following closely after we broke up….
At one point, there was an incident that was worrying enough that I went over to his apartment to check on him. Another mutual friend was considering driving up from an hour away to check on him because he wouldn’t answer her, right about the same time one of his friends from hours away that he doesn’t know has contact with me had asked me if I knew his address as they were considering having someone do so… and so I knew I wasn’t overreacting…. and if he was going to be mad at someone, at least that kept them out of the crossfire.
I decided before going in that I would leave the minute he told me to, which took an hour… and it was actually the most honest and real conversation that I’ve ever had with him… what I wished the meeting would have been… but he was very much not glad to see me.
He usually isn’t too glad when I’ve checked on him by text etc either.
I sort of feel like I turned into my grandma at times…. but when I know there’s so much going on… when I know he’s fighting hard battles.. when I know he’s doing things at times that harm could come to him…. it’s very hard not to.
Especially when I don’t have the ongoing contact to reassure myself that he’s ok. Granted, it’s not like I could do a whole lot even if I was in contact… but still…
I care about him, and so sometimes it turns into being worried about him when things are amiss.
I know there’s not a single thing I can do to protect him. I can’t protect him physically, or from mental attacks on his emotions, or human attacks on his heart.
I know its a case where I have to trust. I have to trust him to protect himself, and I have to trust him to know when he needs help and to reach out for it. That’s sometimes hard.
I have to trust that God is looking out for him, will take care of him and will make good for him in the long run of any harm he endures. And I try to. But I still don’t want him to be hurt in the first place even if there’s eventual good in his life to make up for it. And I know, that sometimes there doesn’t seem to be.
This basically is background leading up to this morning.
Driving into work… I just got this feeling. One of those weird feelings…. that I had no idea why or about what, but had an inkling that it was connected to him.
I tried to shake it off, and tried to write it off as emotions. It just got worse.
I prayed about it while still in the car, and again in my office several times… and it just wasn’t easing up.
Was he hurt? Was there something else happening somewhere that had something to do with him? What was up?
Usually praying resolves these sorts of feelings… but it wasn’t at all this time.
I usually attribute these things to spirit things… sort of along the same lines as a mother’s intuition. To some degree, they can generally be trusted… even if it’s not always clear immediately.
But it’s not like I could just discretely call him and casually ask how he’s doing.
And it just kept getting more intense.
I actually ended up heading to the bathroom in tears at one point… and ended up in a spiritual bickering match.
"Don’t tell me, he isn’t mine anymore! There’s nothing I can do! Go tell someone who can do something. Tell his mom… tell his new girlfriend. Why are you bugging me?"
When I went back to my office, I still couldn’t settle in. I found myself pacing… and my office is only like 8 foot across.
I couldn’t handle it. I gave up and sent him a stupid message asking if he was ok.
The feeling finally started to ease about 5 minutes later… and was already gone by the time he responded.
As expected, he told me he was fine and to go away, in slightly nicer terms.
So now he’s more frustrated and mad at me… with good reason… and probably just thinks I’m being an obnoxious pest.
And whatever it was about… wasn’t an obvious thing… so I sort of feel hung out on a limb.
But this feeling just would.not.let.up.
I just could not shake it off.
So, I’m frustrated. And feel sort of a bit hurt.
I don’t think it was just emotions by the randomness and the intensity… it wasn’t like the waves were or anything… it was just this sense that something was amiss…
But there doesn’t seem to have been.
I look like an emotional mess frequently enough to him these past 4 months… I really don’t need help in looking obnoxious.
What in the world was that all about???
Maybe I’ve just completely lost it.