The very strange new woman

Do you ever just find yourself realizing that you don’t recognize who you are anymore?

If I’d made a list a year ago… listing my traits… almost none of them would still apply today. Nor would the ones from 5 months ago, before the breakup.

Part of it is physical stuff… and I’m not exactly sure why.

I’ve lost a total of 30 pounds since the breakup now. I’m not on a diet or exercising, my body just freaked out and threw itself off enough.

But, when I look in the mirror… I find myself realizing I look a lot older. The dark circles under my eyes are worse some days than others, but they never really seem to go away. I’m seeing wrinkles that I don’t think were there 4 months ago.

The glasses that I picked this summer are nothing like my usual style. I’ve started wearing my hair mostly wavy now instead of brushed out and tossed up in a ponytail.

The longer flowing tunic type tops that hit mid-thigh have been replaced with brightly colored soft T shirts that are probably some of the shortest in length I’ve ever owned. Since when did I own a pumpkin orange shirt? A sunshine yellow shirt? A lemon yellow shirt? Never?

My always brightly painted rooms are now pale and/or almost white except for Boo’s room.

A lot of interests have also seriously changed.

I realized the other day that I haven’t picked up my guitar since I painted my room… which was the week before the meeting… so 2 1/2 months ago?

I finished a couple of baby blankets, and a pillow for someone… and haven’t touched my crochet hook either. My blanket for me hasn’t been touched in the last 4 months. For a while, I was only able to crochet while doing something else and even then, was restless.

The clay I was working with recently is the only craftsy thing I’d done in months before the cupcakes.

Nothing just holds my interest right now. I just don’t feel like doing it.

The girl who hasn’t had cable since 2005 now has cable, and a new TV.

I’m tired… as in going to bed some nights at 8pm before Boo is even in bed tired. Part of that is probably from still waking in the night though.

This time last year, I was getting up the same time in the morning, but where I’m working 3/4 time and home by 2pm most days, I wasn’t getting home from work until 12:30 in the morning. And yet, somehow, I’m about the same level of tired even working 40 less hours a week than I was with the two jobs.

I’m also feeling lazy, which is abnormal for me. Nothing much is getting accomplished except in small spurts. No tackling giant projects on a day off… I don’t really even feel like messing with them at all. The kitchen… ugh…. I so need to attack the kitchen so I can move on to the garage when it gets cooler soon… but I don’t even want to look at either one.

But a huge part of it is personality changes.

I’m normally very guarded around strangers, and very goofy around friends. Right now, neither of those are true.

I find myself being so much more serious most of the time… and yet, the other day, I found myself talking to a guy in the supermarket that I’d seen at work the day before for so long that the cream cheese in my hand was getting completely warm. The more extroverted side has come out with people I don’t know well, but people I do, keep telling me that I’m being really quiet.

So many things that I would have used to describe myself last year aren’t things I could say at all right now. I would have told you that I’m the strong independent type… the one who is comfortable being alone and actually prefers it… the parent that tries to keep their kid well on task at risk of micromanaging… the woman who is logic-lead most of the time, spirit-lead when she can be, and only uses emotions for guidance when logic has failed… the one who takes no drama and puts up with little irresponsibility…

The type of strong, fierce, independent woman that sometimes scares men.

I don’t feel like I’m any of those things right now.

I do have my feet back under me… I’m ok now… I’m not an emotional mess nearly as much… but I’m still the girl who is dealing with a lot of emotions all through the day, often being guided by them more than she wants, and who has gone from crying maybe twice a year to probably crying at night twice a week or so.

From the one who was an emotional rock that had been through the woods and developed a tough armor… to the one that is stable, but not too sure of herself on that anymore. She’d never thought she could be hurt like that… because nobody else had ever been able to.

From the one who took too little input from other people and generally moved confidently to the one who takes too much and second guesses everything she does. The girl who checks her email way too many times waiting anxiously for a reply from her therapist.

From the one who frequently preferred to not be dealing with other people to the one who is often feeling alone and lonely, even in places that she never would have thought to have someone with her before, like the grocery store… and just everyday tasks in life. The one who thinks she actually might look into a housemate if/when they do move just to have someone else around again. She probably would now if she had a third bedroom.

From the girl who took little flack, to the one who just doesn’t feel like battling anymore. The parent that feels like maybe it’s time her child needs to feel the consequences on her own and learn to push herself. The one who was sometimes to harsh on discipline in other’s eyes to the one who just sighed and signed the bad progress report that was supposed to have been shown to her days before and had resulted in the school calling.

From the girl who needed no man and assumed there would never be one, to the girl who is clingy and weepy and sobby over a guy that she logically knows has more problems to overcome than she ever would have considered dating in her wildest dreams before this man stole her heart… and for months and months longer than she ever would have thought she’d be effected by someone. Especially someone who isn’t feeling the same about her, who isn’t treating her with the same care.

The one who believed that love is what you make it… that it’s a choice you choose to intentionally build with any of a number of people who you might work well with… to someone who is really starting to believe in soulmates.

From someone who was strong and independent… to someone who feels pretty weak and needy, and hates the fact that she does.

Who in the world is this person? Who am I? Which one is really what I’m like?

Is this a change that will go away again as I heal? Or is it forever broken and healing in a different position, like a bone that wasn’t treated with a cast?

Is it just depression? Or is this a permanent new world? Will things forever be different?

Am I just getting older? More world-weary and broken?

Would it change back if eventually the prince comes back into my life? If I feel loved again?

I’m ok now.

But I’m very much not back to who I was before. And I’m wondering if I ever will be.


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