Pillow buddy battles

Way back when… 13 1/2 years ago (yikes!)… there was a fiancé of sorts. The first guy who held my heart, and the one who had the strongest grip on it until the prince came along.

I’ve called him D on here.

Back in April, in explaining the lead up to the rebellious stage, I’d explained about the relationship in greater detail.


Last night, I got a message from him.

As I’ve mentioned, way back in 2011, he does this… every year or two.

He just sort of checks in…nothing serious, just to be playful for a bit… I think just to see if I’ll still respond… and it always has the effect of making me happy, then making me lonely and missing him.

Which, unfortunately, it always does.

Even though, on a normal day, my overall impression is that I dodged a bullet on that one.

It had always been a very volatile relationship… a total up and down rollercoaster of fights always over my doing something accidentally. I spent the entire relationship feeling like I wasn’t good enough.. if I could just do better, he would really love me.

He was full of himself and his positions, I was trying to figure out where I fit into the world, and it made for a situation that could fairly easily be called emotionally abusive as I spiraled into an eating disorder trying to be perfect for him, but never being good enough.

Within 6 months of our final breakup, he married one of my close friends, and was divorced a year later after a relationship that she has said was at times physically abusive when she would get in his face during their fights.

But, in spite of all of this logically, as I said in the 2011 post… he still has the ability to make my heart flutter… even after I’d dated and fallen in love since then.

I hate that he does, but he does.

I bite every time.

I wouldn’t say that I still love him, but I did for a long time, and it still hits just right when he does this.

It’s not the same feeling as I get with the prince by any means… but it’s something.

It’s part of what scares me about the current situation, because I could easily see the prince having that same power over me forever, but in a much stronger way.

D I think loved me as best as he could, but I never felt truly loved. The prince is a completely different story. If even D has that much pull on my heart, how much will the prince forever hold?

Except… I haven’t bitten with D the last four times at all.

You see, the last time he tried to contact me, was the week after I started dating the prince, back in November.

I had love. I was happy. I had absolutely no interest, no temptation, and completely ignored the attempt.

And the one in February. And the one in April.

Surprisingly enough, I actually also ignored one in July… after the prince and I were apart.

But last night, I bit.

No call, just some texts… which he responded to still this morning.

Mostly playful… but some of which had obvious flirty tones from him.

And it made for an interesting place.

It did actually make me feel better. It made me smile.

But this time, instead of making me miss D afterwards, it made me miss the prince.

But it also made me glad that D is still several states away.

Because as much as it still made me want to be back in the prince’s arms, last night, I would have willingly accepted D’s as a lesser substitute. As a snack when you are starving but really want dinner.

Saying this, you have to remember, D and I were doing the whole "kissed dating goodbye" thing and living thousands of miles apart, so I’ve never even kissed D, and barely even gotten to hold his hand. It’s not like he had the same sort of relationship like with the prince to where I was used to cuddling in next to him to watch a movie or whatever. This is a normal thing to be missing from the prince, but this is not something that D ever provided to be logical to be missing it from him.

As much as the phone incident made me realize I have no interest in dating someone else besides the prince… last night made me realize that the hunger is still so strong that in the right circumstances, I could still get myself into some deep water in the way of trying to temporarily dull the ache for him.

I know D and I don’t mix… that it would be the same as it was back then with my never measuring up to his perfect standard.

But I found myself rationalizing. Ya know, maybe he’s grown up… it’s been a very long time. I know I’m sure not the same person I was then. If he’s dating now and that’s why he’s flirting, that would mean he’s had at least two divorces under his belt… maybe that’s shown him he isn’t perfect? If he’s still contacting me more than 13 years later, there must be something there…

And a good part of me wanted to believe they were possible, even with not a bit of evidence to support them.

I miss being loved, but I know D was not someone who was able to fill that need. I felt that I could possibly be loved, but only if I wasn’t who I was and was someone more perfect like he felt he was.

I know this has about zero chance of being anything good to even entertain the thoughts.

But like the spells of hating the fact that I can’t control my emotions on unloving the prince, it frustrates me that D can still pull my strings too.

And it frustrated me even more that I let him, craving the feeling that someone cares about me affectionately.


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