The puzzle

And so, yesterday, I sent the prince a final email.

I’m sure he won’t be happy about that, just period.

But, at the advice of my therapist, it was decided that it was better to annoy him and let some of the things left unsaid be laid out, in the open, on the table… than to just keep stewing and trying to push them down, and wishing that I were able to discuss the unspoken factors playing into this.

So, I went for it.

And it was a very long email. I will not be posting it here, because it does get detailed beyond what could easily be edited out.

I was doing so with love for him, no malice or ill intent.

I tried to keep it gentle. I stayed with the assumption that all he has told me has been upfront and honest, with the exception of some places where I needed to address the fact that I had doubts, because I do believe that for the most part what he has been open with me about has been truthful.

Some of these have been underlying issues from way back when we were friends. Many of them are things that I completely handled wrong, and I admitted that openly.

But there’s no getting around the fact that I was basically addressing some of his biggest weaknesses, the ones he least wants to hear about. Some of which he probably didn’t realize that I’d noticed, or had just hoped that they would never be seen.

And I was also making some assumptions on what is going on in his head, based on what he has told me previously, and what I know to be true of him. That’s always risky… and there’s always a chance you are completely wrong.

But the more and more, I’m pretty sure that I’m not.

I admitted my desires for the relationship, but that I have nothing left in my hands to influence the outcome in any way, that the ball is entirely in his court now.

One of my friends who read it told me that if I’m wrong, he’s going to be furious and offended, and if I’m right, I’m digging in the dirty laundry under the bed, and he’ll be furious and offended.

She is probably right… that’s actually pretty much what I was thinking, and why I hadn’t done so previously.

I asked that he not reply, and admitted that my reason was that I knew that he would probably feel like pushing me away and would reply with an attempt to do so, and I knew he was running out of less-personal ones and had plenty of personal ammo he could use on me, but that I planned to leave him alone anyway, so it was not needed.

But I hope that he did choose to read it. And I hope that he does choose to think about it, and not just write me off as a nutcase ex.

But everything is all in his hands now. It has been mostly for the last 4 months anyway, but at least I felt like I had a touch of ability to influence.. which I was probably making things worse by using.

But this email feels very final.

It feels like my business is done, if that makes sense.

It feels like I’ve completed the puzzle, having figured out that he’d given me the missing piece long ago and I just didn’t realize I had it, and that I’ve laid that fully visible picture at his feet.

I suppose it’s a form of closure. Not quite a peace, but along those lines.

I have done all that I can do, and I’ve said all that I can say.

I don’t know where the story goes from here… but I do know that anything forward from here, he is the sole author of that story.

My pen is down.


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