The one thing I can certainly say is that this journey has taken me some emotional places that I know I’ve never been before.
Today and tonight has been another one that I have trouble putting word on and nailing down.
It’s calm, and yet sorrowful.
Somewhere between sad and peace.
Not upset… not mournful…
I need to dig up one of those old lists of feelings words… because the right ones for this feeling really aren’t coming to mind.
There’s an acceptance that there’s nothing left to be done, and yet, a waiting to see what will happen. Not really an expectation feeling… but just a watchful one. A spectator.
A sad yet calm waiting.
I suppose the best word that describes it, is winter.
Farmers around here actually plant wheat in the late fall, not the spring. Winter wheat.
It sprouts…. and then, It waits… as the snow falls… as the ground freezes…. through the cold…. until the spring comes.
Only then, does anyone have any clue whether or not the plants survived. Only then do they know if they are working with a field with potential to be a great crop, or whether it’s going to be a rough year ahead.
It fits with the changing seasons here… as the torment of summer is slowly ending…. so the agony of the hurt has come to an end.
It’s winter. All is calm… but so uncertain.
But there’s nothing left to be done in the field…. and so the farmer has nothing they can actively do… but just let nature do what nature will… knowing eventually he will see the result and know what he has to work with.
There will be lots more work for the farmer to do eventually… but nothing he can do as the snow blankets the field.
So much of the farmer’s life depends on the field’s production… but for the winter, all he can do is repair his tools, work on the projects around the house or barn that he doesn’t have time for at other times of the year… and just watch the snow fall.
The snow crunches under my feet as I tread across the otherwise silent undisturbed carpet of white that seems to go on forever… with no idea how long until it will melt.
It’s cold… but the blizzard has passed. It’s calm now.
And there is nothing to do but wait, and make the best use of the time for preparing for whatever it is that will await me in spring.