No blame

I don’t want someone who isn’t the prince.

I don’t believe that there is anyone out there who can replace the prince.

But sometimes… when I say that… deep in my heart it really means that I don’t think there’s anyone else who can make me feel loved like the prince did, because I really don’t think there’s anyone else who would really love me. Or even could.

I look back, and I see that I finally had what I really wanted most in life…. and I completely and totally screwed it up even when I was doing the very best I could… and without even really realizing that I was doing so.

I don’t blame him for going, because I realize some of the other factors in that.

But, I also don’t blame him for going because I know that he’s from the other world… the world of the loved…. he knows what it’s supposed to look like…. he knows what it feels like.

He knows he can find someone who will do better. Someone who has some sort of idea what she’s doing, and experience doing it, who grew up having learned things that a messed up kid like me will probably never truly learn in a lifetime of trying.

Someone with a sweet and loving family to wrap him up in their love and care for him as if he’d always been a part of them.

He deserves that.

He deserve to be surrounded by love that can seep all of the way in to his hurting places so that he can actually feel it…. and support from people who have really known what it means to support because they’ve grown up in the world that he did until he lost his dad…. it’s second nature to them.

I love him with everything that I have… from deep places I didn’t know I could even access… more than I’ve loved anyone.

But it’s like a little kid’s piggiebank… in a world filled with adult bank accounts. It’s everything I’ve got…. but it’s still just pennies.

I don’t know how to fill the hole left from his absence. I don’t know how to make the scar tissue grow back over again so I don’t miss being loved anymore.

But I don’t blame him for deciding he was better off. Because part of me is pretty sure that he’s completely right.

I don’t wanna play anymore. My best isn’t worth much. I don’t have the skills, I don’t have the experience, I don’t have the training…. and there’s just so much that can’t be the same when you don’t come from that world.

It’s not my native language. I’ve tried my best to learn it… but I just don’t have it.

He’s the greatest thing that has ever come into my life… but he needs someone who can speak it fluently… he would even if he didn’t have the wounds, but especially with them…. and I just don’t have that.

And I don’t think that I ever will.

I miss his visit to my world so much… but it’s just not his home. And I don’t blame him at all for being homesick.

He deserves to be safe and happy at home.


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