Temptings

It’s really hard for me to believe that it’s been 4 months.

I still feel like my life just ended back in May… like time just stopped, even though I see it swirling all around me.

School ended, summer came, summer left, school began again… and still my heart is broken.

Knowing that he has moved on to love someone else makes this part harder. To know his heart gets to beat again, when I still often doubt that mine ever will.

I know that tis only because he is running instead of working on his hurt… and I know he needs the happiness in his life… but it still makes it hurt more to add some jealousy to the pile of hurting emotions.

There’s part of me that feel like that is so tempting to just run from them.

I’ve got several friends who are still pushing the looking to date again idea… saying that the attention from others will help remind me that there are others and will be others… that getting into a relationship with someone who is more able to be responsive to me will help get rid of the "maybe I just suck" feelings and show me I am ok after all.. that it would give me someone to hold me a bit, and be company sometimes, and that would make missing the prince doing those things a lot less.

I am feeling sad and lonely… and it would feel so good to ease those feelings if only a little.

Especially when it feels like they will never end… when it feels like waiting for them to be resolved is a day that will never come.

But, I really don’t want another guy. I want the prince… even knowing that it’s not a logical decision and that I can’t have him.

And I know ignoring those feelings and wishing they would go away made for a bad situation, and likely would again.

And even if I got past that issue, I’d still be faced with knowing that I’m feeling really clingy and needy right now, and would be a mess in a relationship.

And beyond that, I know that reaching out in loneliness is about like shopping for groceries while hungry… my discernment would be very low, and likely to cause a lot more hurts down the road from not keeping my head in charge.

But my heart still really hurts missing him so much, doesn’t feel like it will stop hurting anytime soon, and I wish I could figure out how to fix that.

Cuz it’s been 4 months, and this still really sucks.

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