When it really comes down to it… the remaining hurt in my life comes from 3 different directions.
1. Feeling unloveable, un-repairably broken.
Feeling like I’m never going to get relationship things figured out enough to not mess up every one of them. I know it’s not an accurate or fair judgment, but it sometimes very much feels like it.
This is very intermittent, but very strong when it does hit. This is usually the one that causes wailing and the deepest agony.
It isn’t prince-caused by any means, but it’s something that is a great deal stronger since having lost him, and the failures with him add a lot of additional weight to this pile.
2. Missing having the prince in my daily life.
Feeling lonely, even when not alone, wishing to have him with me, wanting his companionship.
This is mostly a constant sadness at a low level, and often what seems to be running the depressed feeling.
It also pushes up to a higher hurt level on some days. These higher times are often the ones that I act out of, knowing I shouldn’t.
3. Hurt over knowing that my pain is not shared.
Knowing that while I miss him terribly, he does not feel the same way. He appears to be happier not having the relationship, and would rather try anew with someone else than consider trying again with me. That even when he’s hurting badly and feeling rejected by eyeryone, the fact that I love him dearly and would give anything to be with him doesn’t bring him any comfort.
This one isn’t a constant thing at all.
It likes to hit me at night when trying to sleep with a medium level ache, enough to cause tears but not wailing.
It also likes to gang up on me in a stronger way when either of the other two have already got me down.
Oddly enough, it actually hits me really heavy when the prince is showing signs of being down, sometimes hitting me hard enough to reach the wailing point. It seems a bit weird to be sad that he’s not sad about not having me in his life when he is sad about other things, but somehow that’s where my heart goes in a sort of odd connection.
But, it’s a touchy one. Because honestly, I do want his happiness. He’s had a lot of rough stuff tossed at him. He’s a great guy, and he does deserve to be happy. I really don’t want him sad and lonely.
But, it does make me sad that he wasn’t happy enough with me.
So this one does borrow weight from number 1, making me feel like people just aren’t happy with me because of me being messed up… like he doesn’t miss me because I failed and hadn’t the foggiest idea how to care for him properly because my background is a mess. I know that in the prince’s case, he has a lot of other things in play besides just my mistakes and that these are his own battles to face that run much deeper than just our relationship. I know this. But it sometimes doesn’t make it any easier that I love him so much, and he doesn’t even really believe that he is truly loved, nor feel the same way about me.
So, those are the current cast of characters.
But, on the bright side…
Former hurts no longer in play to a large degree:
Feeling rejected from who I am
Feeling betrayed, used, and manipulated
Feeling lost and confused
Feeling punished for letting him matter to me too much
Feeling gullible and naïve and stupid for falling in love
Feeling like if I just knew what to do, I could fix it, like I had the ability to fix it but just wasn’t smart enough to know how
Feeling life would never move forward again
Feeling guilty and stupid for still caring for someone who wasn’t treating me as they should
Feeling angry with him for his actions
Feeling like his actions were from personal hatred
Feeling a compulsion to fight, and like I could do some good by doing so
Feeling like I had the ability to influence things that are well outside of my control
There are probably others in this list that I’m missing, especially from early on when the massive hurts were hiding some of the lesser ones.
And, there may well be ones besides the big three that I’m not seeing just yet but which may come into play.
But… things are moving forward… issues are changing… even when it’s frustrating that I’m still hurting and that the stop in the tears was only temporary.