1. Feeling unloveable, un-repairably broken.
#1 is a deep running issue that goes far beyond the current issues.
That makes it the hardest one to deal with, and the one needing the most long-term strategy.
It’s probably from this one where most of the neediness and clinginess is coming from.
But it’s also the one that I least know how to fix.
I know that often I do logically know that it is not accurate even while it is in full swing. I know that I’ve done a heck of a lot of work over the years, and that I’m miles from where I started… but sometimes it feels like the gap between where I am and where I wish I was is still miles more apart.
The biggest thought attack I probably need to use here is just that, reminding myself how far I’ve come. Reminding myself how much worse it could have been had I never tried. Reminding myself how much difference there is between the relationship between the prince and I, even with both of us having our issues, in comparison to some of the seriously dysfunction relationships around me.
We both had some handicaps coming into this… but we did pretty decent by each other in spite of it. Yes, there are tons of things I feel like I messed up on knowing what I know now… but ya know what? With what we were playing against, and for as completely unaware as I was of the team we were playing against, we did decent.
But honestly, with this one, I think this one probably will be something that will ease more as time and experience goes by to prove it wrong, both with friendships and relationships.
This is probably something that actually had time to grow into the monster it is because of the lack of dating. Actually, this monster was one of the influencing factors in that decision… it’s a very long running monster that I’d been trying to starve off, but that just got freshly fed a nice big meal.
Action-wise, part of this will probably be changed more through working on deeper and stronger friendships and having greater successes there. This one is good pals with the “my friendship isn’t worth much to others” feeling monster… actually, they may well be different parts of the same monster… but either way, working on mutual and non-dramatic friendships is probably going to be my best weapon on actions.
I think that this is also an area that means that I probably need to keep the door open towards dating and showing myself that I can do well in safe and caring relationships, but doing so carefully so as not to feed the monster accidentally with any more big messes.
The change in circumstances, of being in what at the time was such relationship, I think had beaten this guy down further… just to have him rear back up when the gained ground was lost…. so changing circumstances back towards that again at some point will probably also do a lot to change the emotions feeding into it.
This is probably an issue that is going to be an ongoing threat to keep an eye on for the foreseeable future.
2. Missing having the prince in my daily life.
#2 is a constant battle, and the main focus of therapy right now.
The battles with depression and weepiness seem to be coming from this one… and probably a lot of the other changes.
I’ve tried to push against this one, tried to force the feelings to change, and tried to pretend it didn’t exist, but, well, it does.
Plain and simple, I very much miss him.
I can’t change that. And it’s best when I can accept that I can’t change the circumstances that cause that.
A very bright place in my life is no longer shining… and my eyes are having to adjust to a room that seems very dim in comparison.
And part of that beyond not having his company and interaction with him, is that some of my previous bright spots aren’t bright anymore.
I’m honestly having a hard time with the fact that some of my favorite places are things that now make me sad, because even with so many positive memories even before he was in my life, the association that they have with him only highlights the fact that he is no longer with me.
Movie theaters are especially bad about this, and certain favorite places to eat, and actually even the mall, and even stores and other places that I’ve only been to with him once.
For example, I’ve taken my child to the drive-in a couple of times a year for years… I’ve gone to this same drive in as a kid with my cousins… and I only went there with him twice, neither of which were anything massively wonderful special but really just a regular evening out. It doesn’t matter… right now, it’s a sore place. I’ve had a rough time both times that I’ve taken Boo since the breakup.
This is a big area where I need to learn to use distraction a lot better, and learn to focus on taking control over my thoughts. I can’t control the feelings being raised by the circumstances, but I can actively work to focus on the moment instead of letting myself compare it to the past, or wish that parts of the past were part of the current. This one is mostly a mental game, and sometimes I forget that I’m even playing in it.
But, I do also need to take actions to work on cultivating new brightness in my life. Finding happy things and happy places to add to my brightness whether or not there is ever anyone in my life again.
What makes me happier?
Some days, that may be chunky monkey ice cream, and peanut butter m&m’s. They aren’t the greatest choices on a regular basis, but if that’s what makes me happier… then right now, it is what it is. Happiness outweighs healthiness sometimes.
I need to keep myself busier on distractions, but I also need to just do what makes me happy just because it makes me happy.
I feel craft supplies coming into my life. 🙂
3. Hurt over knowing that my pain is not shared.
#3 is an opportunistic attack usually.
This makes it seem like it should be easier to attack since it’s nowhere near as frequent.
But, it’s actually harder by how much it’s based on circumstances.
I can’t do a thing about how the prince is feeling, or how he’s doing battling against the issues, or even when he’s feeling down. Right now, offering him comfort is not within my ability… not that I was very good at it even when I did have the opportunities.
So again, this one, I need to do a lot of distracting, getting myself busy and getting my thoughts off of him.
And now that I have a lot more understanding of what’s going on, it does make this easier, as when I’m having trouble getting them off him entirely, I can also bring my thoughts to remembering what challenges he is facing in his battles, and how those battles are controlling some of his feelings right now. To focus not on his lack of feelings as a personal hurt, but as having compassion on the sweet man I love, that responses that it seems like should be common in the situation aren’t happening as a sign of the issues having control that I know that he does not in the least bit want them to have and is often very hurt by the results of them having it. He has by far got the harder war to fight, and I know he has tried to do so, but has frequently been discouraged by his sometimes mixed successes.
But, also, my feelings are part of the circumstances feeding it. If I were not missing him so much, then it wouldn’t be able to bother me as much that he does not also miss spending the time in contact with me.
So watching the other two, will give this one so much less ammunition.