I’ve mentioned a bit about my discussion with a new therapist…. and of realizing some of what Prince Charming is battling against.
I mentioned being told that my rollercoaster was essentially reactive to his… but where I could point to clear reason on mine and know it was temporary, Prince Charming likely battles his on an ongoing basis. He likely has even less control over his rollercoaster than I did over the overwhelming waves of emotion that were hitting me during this…. which is sort of staggering to realize.. and certainly does a lot to explain why he was responding as he was while he was in the peaks and valleys.
So, essentially, the goal from that point has been to disconnect my emotions from him rollercoaster. To be at a place where no matter what his rollercoaster does, my emotions remain under my own control.
Part of this has been in figuring out what my needs are, what my emotions are, and deliberately taking action to meet those needs and improve the emotional states. To figure out that I do have the ability to control these indirectly even when I can’t force them to change when I want to.
This really has very little to do with the prince. He’s essentially a replaceable part, because even if his rollercoaster had been banished from the get-go, it would still be something that will be a reoccurring issue with something else later.
This has been a bit interesting… because it’s been one of those times where things have just seemed to fall into place at just the time they were needed. The right book at one point that seemed to be completely unrelated but ended up having one random section be exactly what I needed. The right other circumstances changing right when I was ready for it to.
That continued this week.
There was a new development with Prince Charming that he made me aware of late this week. (It was a puzzle again, something that he couldn’t address directly, but that I did eventually get.)
At certain times, this would have absolutely had me in tears… or had me seriously hurting… or had me seriously scared for him.
I shook my head a bit at the surprise… gathered my thoughts and emotions… and responded to it.
I do have emotions about the situation.
I did feel baffled quite a bit as things came into view. And I am honestly worried about the consequences of this on him if it does not go as he hopes. And I do honestly care deeply about him and his well being in this, beyond my own desires that I would prefer in the situation.
But they are my emotions… my feelings. How I felt about the situation and about him. They are not impulsive reactions to the rollercoaster changing course again, or overreactions to dips on his track. They were felt and acknowledged, but remained controlled.
I responded to the situation as I chose to…. from my own feelings and desires and what I wished to convey to him…. not from a position of being overwhelmed by my feelings.
Nor even of having to wait for the overwhelming feelings to pass before responding from that position as some of the more recent interactions have been.
I do still find myself wishing that I knew better what his desires had been in informing me, so as to have been able to attempt to more directly aim at addressing those needs for him in my response besides simply working from my own desires…. that’s pretty much the point of interaction instead of just venting here and talking to friends and support persons.
But… my own feelings and desires were not being tossed around this time and were being weighed as the primary factor… the place from where my decisions were being made. And I think they would have been even had he been more able to clearly let me know what he was looking for.
I was not making plays because I had to, or because my team was pulling me along against my better judgement… I was able to choose my own plays that I desired from my own playbook in a calm manner.
It was not a perfect execution, but any means.
But this was so much different from how things were… even just a few weeks ago… let alone how they were a couple of months back.
Maybe there’s hope for me getting over being an emotional mess after all 😉
There’s still ground ahead. But progress is happening.
I don’t know where this leads… but I do know that it leads somewhere that I needed to go… and that it’s still unfolding just as it is supposed to.
Even when it still looks pretty crazy.
And even when I can actually even make my therapist wonder with some of the twists in this story, and she’s the professional here! lol