It’s been one crazy week.
This post was started on Monday morning… but got pushed aside by the knee injury.
But, as it happens, the part where I was when I was changing how I explained the situation…. ended up actually fitting very well into my thoughts today… and the two posts will make more sense together than they would have split apart anyway.
Most weeks, this would be where I would be uploading the posts from this weekend.
But this week, there aren’t any.
This weekend, the goal was keeping my mind from going towards anything related to Prince Charming. To distract myself.
As I mentioned, one of the big areas in still having pain is just in missing him, of being depressed at having lost the brightness that he brought to my life.
So the goal has been working on that brightness. When I’m noticing the dark, to start thinking about what I can do in that moment that will add happiness to the moment, no matter how little.
When you are focusing on it… it’s amazing how something tiny that only adds a little bit of a smile still seems like it makes things much brighter. It’s been helping.
Trying not to think of a purple elephant is hard… but trying to focus on finding a tiny bit of added bright helps…. as does trying to focus on the moment, on the physical sensations of the moment, the sound, the air flow, the light…
So that’s been this weekend… with mixed success.
But, the instances where there wasn’t success, now stand out as being something to be looked at.
The biggest one where it failed… was at Walmart. There’s so much going on in the moment to focus on, it would seem like it would be an easy distraction spot… but it wasn’t.
It was somewhere that I found myself missing the sweetness of my prince.
There’s a backstory here.
Way back in March, just before St. Patricks Day, there was an afternoon when Prince Charming was really feeling down on himself. I’m thinking it was job related, but I’m not positive…. but it was one of those very low days.
And at this point, my main response to these was to try and distract him… especially to get him out of the house.
Yes, ironic that I was trying to use the same technique on him that I later failed at with me.
So, this particular afternoon, I had something that I needed to do sometime that week that would be all over town… and so I asked him if he wanted to go on a long wild goose chase.
He agreed, and I proceeded to drag him around to every single Walmart in town that carried a certain brand of yarn to buy all that they had in a certain color that had been discontinued online and was becoming hard to get ahold of it the stores.
I needed this color of this brand to finish a project… and had assumed it was just temporarily out of stock until they replaced it with a similar but different color and removed the out of stock listing.
So the poor prince was already having a bad day, and he got dragged around literally in a big loop of the town to go to at least 8 different Walmart craft departments.
I never said I was good at this relationship stuff! LOL
But Prince Charming just smiled and shook his head at me, and seemed to honestly actually enjoy the 3+ hours spent hanging out with me. The only time he said a word about the trip was sweetly teasing me in front of his mother later, who is also a crochet person… thus opening up a door for discussion and connecting.
So this was already a trip that was earning him big "this one might be a keeper" points.
But there was a specific moment at the next to the last Walmart that hangs in my memory.
I was standing, staring at the disorganized yarn section, trying to figure out if they had any of the right type or just the wool version.
He stepped behind me, wrapped his arms around my waist, and kissed me gently on the back of my neck before sliding back further behind me.
It was maybe 15 seconds or so… probably less… he’d stepped back before I could even really respond.
But it was just this sweet, gentle, tender moment. Just brief unplanned sweetness.
There are a lot of things I miss about him. There are a lot of intimate moments that come to my mind, and romantic moments, and passionate moments.
But these sorts of moments…. are the moments that kill my heart still… the ones that are hard to shake from my mind.
This weekend, I wasn’t even at the same Walmart. I wasn’t even in the craft department, or buying yarn.
But the memory was still enough to make tears start to form as I stood in line to purchase my cat litter and toilet paper…. and no amount of focusing on the noise or the crazy people was helpful against it.
It’s this memory of my sweet and gentle prince that is hard to shake from my head.
I know he has bad sides. I know he’s capable of anger, of bitterness, of injury.
I wish he would have felt like he could show me those sides… like I would still love him even at his worst.
And maybe my not getting to see them to balance out the good moments is part of what keeps my heart towards him.
But something in me thinks that no matter how much pain he was capable of causing…. my heart would still never forget the sweet loving moments of spontaneous affection he was also capable of quite frequently.
I will always miss having him reaching for my hand, just out of the blue.
This is my prince, that I miss greatly. This is the sweet prince that I have trouble removing from the place he earned himself in my heart, and wonder if I always will.